blank page.

I've decided it's better to wait until I have something to say than write simply to write.

I wrote that two days ago, hoping I would have find some sort of inspiration or have a grand epiphany...

nothing.

So, I reluctantly stuck to the original statement, and didn't write. I thought about not writing anything at all this week, but the thought of breaking the weekly post was so irritating.

I've got to find a balance between inspiration and discipline. 


And that's where I am right now. Trying to figure out how to be directed,intentional and genuine in the way I pursue loving God and loving others.

So far I've  found/am finding:

1. I need to keep working on being open and honest with the people in my life, specifically with those in my daily life.

2. I have to CHOOSE to TAKE the time to build relationships, with God and with others. I'm seeing that for me it's not about "making" the time, the time is there...to paint with Jesus, to pray for people when I say I will,to meet a friend for coffee, etc., etc., etc.

3. I cannot do either. I just can't. I am not wise or honest or brave or disciplined enough to figure this out on my own. God didn't intend for me to be, not without Him. So really this is about me learning to lay down my pride.


So there it is. Here is where I am. I'm still not entirely sure if this ended up being a blog post written for the sake of having a blog post for the week...




p.s. here's something I started to paint this week. You know, when I made the time...

heart check.

I kind of like writing on Sundays. Not only because it gives me a chance to reflect back on the week I just finished(I usually see my weeks as being Monday to Sunday) but because often I figure out(aka God shows me) what I should share after listening to the sermon at church.

Anyway, today it came to me when I heard Brad talk about how our behavior is an outward indicator of our inner condition, of our heart--what we believe and what we love. I saw how much of what's gone on in the past couple of weeks was the beginning of a major heart check for me.

It's getting late and I'm not sure that I'm ready to spill all the messy details of what that's looked like so far, but here's what I can say:

(Also from the sermon today) I'm seeing how individualism is an idol in my life.  Although I can talk a pretty convincing talk about the joy and benefit and calling to live in community and do life with others, if I'm honest, my heart isn't quite there and my actions prove it. Yes, I've joined a life group of peers and am leading a life group of some awesome Kindergarteners, but I know that I'm holding back and keeping a lot of my life to myself. My compulsive Darkside shows itself as I carefully decide what parts of my life are open and which doors must remain shut, locked and expertly wallpapered over. It's going to take some time for me to open those doors, but I think I can at least start on peeling off the wallpaper and acknowledge that they're there. (sorry for this analogy, but my dad is a wallcovering specialist)

Other than that, all I know is that my heart is not too healthy right now. I know I'm always going to need some kind of work and that this time of cleaning, discovering, refining and repairing has no real end. I know it's going to be painful and humbling, but I trust that it's necessary and hope for a day that I  might truly be able to understand that.

So here's to walking my talk. Letting you in to hold me to it.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from your presence,
and do not take your holy spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.

-Psalm 51:10-12

momma.

second Sunday of May. Momma, this one's for you.

Being adopted, I feel like I get to say that my mom was hand-picked just for me. (Well, I suppose it was more like me being picked by my parents...anyway...) I've often been asked how I feel about being adopted, and in a word: blessed.

I feel incredibly blessed to be the daughter of such a wonderful woman. She's hard-working, generous, compassionate, selfless--a genuine example of a woman striving after God's heart. But more than that, I feel blessed to have a slightly different understanding of what it means to be adopted into the family of Christ, to become a child of God.

How so, you ask?

Here's my thoughts:
My adoption was never a secret. For my family, adoption was not something to be ashamed of, quite the opposite! My mom always made a conscious effort to make me aware of and cultivate an appreciation for my Korean heritage. That being said, I often forget that I don't look like the rest of my family. My momma, is my momma.

I have had the opportunity to experience what it's like to be taken in and loved as part of a family that wasn't initially my own.

I don't say all this to disown or forget about my mother who went to great risks to keep and grow and bear me, for her sacrifice I am forever grateful. Actually, I am blessed to have two mothers to remember and thank and be grateful for. So...

To my Korean mother,
Thank you for choosing to give me life. For deciding that my life and all that it would become was worth the risk. Thank you for selflessly giving me a chance to be loved and cared for, I most definitely am. Most of all, thank you for showing me selfless love from the start.
사랑해 (I love you)
리 경 림 (Lee Kyung Rim)

To my Momma,
Thank you for choosing me. For loving me as your own. As a poem or book or card you've shared with me said, I "didn't grow in your belly, but I grew in your heart." Thank you for giggles and Katy days and trying new food and traveling to visit me and prayers. Most of all, thank you for your genuine example of unconditional love.
Love,
Kate

visiting me in Portugal 2007

Happy Mother's Day!

seasons.

Graduation was on Saturday.

Not for me, but for the rest of my class. We're done with undergrad. We're moving on.

The season is changing.

I've really struggled with the whole "seasons" thing. Change can be pretty difficult on its on, whether it's changing schools, jobs or place of residence. But mostly I've dreaded friendship seasons. I've heard it over and over that "Some people are only in  your life for a season, Katy."

I HATED that. 

Why couldn't they stay around? Was it something I did? How do I not do that or why did I keep doing that? 

I've talked to many and prayed a lot about having peace with this, and it's a work in progress.

I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday, though. A breakthrough after a bit of a breakdown.

Breakdown: My roommate who became an amazing friend moved home to Southern California. It's been an enormous blessing to have her in my life for the past four years, and I'm confident we're "stuck" with each other, but it's still hard to see the seasons change from living in the same room to living on the same campus to living in the same town to just living in the same state. 

Breakthrough: Brad spoke on 1 Corinthians 9:1-19 and Paul's teachings on choosing Love over our rights and freedoms. It was the perfect message for me to hear on many levels, but a breakthrough came when I realized that God's calling of my heart to Portugal means I'll have to sacrifice a lot. A main focus of the passage was on Paul's defense and later refusal of his right to earn money for his ministry. (v. 14-18) Now, I came to accept the fact long ago that I wouldn't ever make a lot of money  doing what God was calling me to do. That I have no problem with. It wasn't money I'd argue with God about.

It's relationships.

Not even romantic ones, although there's been arguments and someday they'll be again over those too. But friendships. Deep, genuine, intimate friendships. 

It's been a common lament of mine that the friends I feel closest to and safest with live the farthest away from me. Whether it's another city or another state, there's at least four hours between us. 

In my selfish, narrow-sighted anger, I'd cry out: "Why are all of the people who "get" me and love me so far away?" What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone stay around?"

And then yesterday, the breakthrough...

God's placed those people in my life in different places so that I can learn how to do daily life without them and with Him. He's showing me that I can maintain friendships, deep, rich, intimate friendships, with people who live far from me. Whether we have eight hours of a time difference or driving separating us, it's totally doable. 

So, if you're changing seasons, remember He's got reason. ;)

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to throw away; 

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8