light bulb.

I have encountered many surprising things in these first weeks of being a mom, but the most surprising things are not actually new. They are the familiar truths that I have seen in a new light—truths that I had previously acknowledged but struggled to take to heart. Loving our boy has given me a window into a deeper understanding of these truths: to know and truly believe them; to also accept them for myself as I whisper them over and over again to my son.

I told my therapist that becoming a parent has made them somehow tangible, as if I finally found the light bulb chain that’s been swinging above me, and I’ve finally turned on the light. Maybe you’ve experienced the same light bulb moment, or maybe you are still grasping around for the chain. Wherever you are at, I hope you find encouragement and hope in these things as I have recently:

It’s not a burden to care for you, even when you are having a hard time.

You can feel bad, and that does not make you bad. Feelings are something you have, not who you are. Feelings are finite: this too shall pass.

There’s nothing you could do to make me love you any less and nothing you need to do to make me love you any more. You are loved because you are worthy of love.

begin again

It has been almost two years since I last wrote something in this space. That's a lot of life—ups, downs, and moving arounds. Even now, I'm in an interesting place, though not a totally foreign one. It's a place of ending and beginning, losing and gaining, fear and excitement. It's the coming and going of seasons.

I am heading into my last week of working with Aplos after three and a half years. It has been such a fun ride and I am sad it's coming to an end. I have worked for the best boss, with the best people, and that has made all the difference. I got connected with Aplos by a friend who knew I was desperate to leave the place I was in, but I could never have imaged how much better it would be. Since we were still a smaller startup when I joined there was flexibility for me to find what role fit me best, which ended up being customer support. Yeah, talking on the phone all day was surprisingly the best fit for me. (Sorry to all of you whom I've had awkward phone calls with—not even my husband is exempt from those. This really has been the only environment where I am not as awkward to talk to on the phone.) This season has been full of surprises and unexpected joys. I have been stretched and challenged and encouraged to keep growing, all while quoting Arrested Development daily and eating Chipotle on Wednesdays. I have learned the difference between cash and accrual reporting, about debits and credits for different types of accounts, and that eating a whole Costco chicken bake so I that can go "to the field!" is worth the stomach ache. I have met friends who will be stuck with me long after my last day. Leaving is held with feelings of sadness, nostalgia, and fear that can come with an ending. The overarching feeling, though, is thankfulness. Let's not overlook that. Oh, how thankful I am.

After this week, Sam and I will be headed off to Northern California to visit our ninth and tenth national parks: Lassen and Redwood. I see this as my transition time—something else I am so thankful to have since I know we do not always have that luxury. It is also, of course, a chance to celebrate that we have been married for two years, which seem to have flown by and at the same time it feels like we have been doing this for much longer in the best way.

Once we return to Pasadena, I will head into orientation, welcome week, and all of the other going back to school things. Aside from the handful of prerequisite classes I took online through a community college, it has been almost five years since I was last in school. That really feels like a long time ago. I am hoping that I quickly settle into the new but not so unfamiliar rhythm of being a student. I'm also a wife, which is new this time around. I am thankful for a husband who has supported and encouraged me to go back to school without hesitation from the very beginning. I am thankful for, albeit still working on graciously and humbly accepting, his willingness to "switch roles" so that I can be a full-time student and not have to balance a job of my own.

Sometimes I fear that I won't be able to bring enough to the table. If I am not working and have a schedule filled with classes and training and small groups, what will I have to give? There are times I feel myself heading towards the spiral of anxiety in the midst of this new and exciting next season, which is just frustrating, honestly. I have found Herni Nouwen to be a source of great encouragement over the years and once again he brings a refreshing reminder about what to do when the red flags and flashing lights of this anxiety spiral start to grow:

Perhaps the challenge of the gospel lies precisely in the invitation to accept a gift for which we can give nothing in return. For the gift is the life breath of God himself, the Spirit who is poured out on us through Jesus Christ. The life breath frees us from fear and gives us new room to live. A man who prayerfully goes about his life is constantly ready to receive the breath of God, and to let his life be renewed and expanded. The man who never prays, on the contrary, is like the child with asthma; because he is short of breath, the whole world shrivels up before him. He creeps in a corner gasping for air, and is virtually in agony. But the man who prays opens himself to God and can freely breathe again. He stands upright, stretches out his hands and comes out of his corner, free to boldly stride through the world because he can live without fear. (Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands, p. 64., emphasis added.)

So I am reminded that it is important for me to be willing to bring myself to the table, just as I am. I work on practicing what I preach about self-care and the great thing it is to allow others to help you in that. This is the beginning of much more than a graduate program, it is the beginning of a new season. One of trusting, hoping, humbling, and much more learning. I head into these next few weeks of transition, of endings and beginnings, and all that is in between with my hands open and eyes fixed above.

enjoying now.

It's that time. New year, new outlook, new goals...new blog post. I can hardly believe I started this blog two years ago. I didn't turn out to be the most consistent of writers, but I'm glad I've at least written as much as I did.

Two years ago.
I was recently graduated from college and about a month into my first full-time,"grown up" job.  I had student loans looming and a heart pining to be anywhere but where I was...mostly for Portugal. I remembering  feeling (and often complaining) that I was in an awkward limbo place life--finished with one chapter, but not allowed to move on to the next.

Two years later, I must say...I was wrong. Lots of life happened during this so-called limbo time. By the grace of God, my student loans were paid off. I learned a little about designing and coding and a lot about what kind of work environment I want (or don't want) to work in. I met some new friends and became closer to others. One in particular being my self-appointed "BFF"(a story worth sharing...someday) who has truly become my best friend. I started a different job and was given the honor of helping out two non-profits run by people near and dear to my heart. I became an aunt to another niece and found out that there will be three more lovies coming this Spring. There's so much more that's happened, but the point is...the past two years have not been empty. They have not been simply for waiting, although there was definitely some waiting...but isn't there always?

Sometimes there are clear beginnings and ends to the chapters in your life, but I'm finding that more often than that, you're in the middle of the next chapter before you even realize it's begun. I've got a couple of practical New Years resolutions written down (in a list with checkboxes) but I think that one thing I really want to focus on is the NOW. I can get so carried away with planning and thinking about the future or longing for what used to be that I dismiss the life space I'm in now as insignificant. It's not until I take the time to pause and look around that I can see how very significant now is.

I realize this epiphany of mine is neither original nor deeply profound, but I hope it encourages someone as it has encouraged me.

Happy New Year!

Just because I never tire of this view, from our most recent trip to Yosemite.

twelve and thirteen. [of ten thousand]

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. -Sylvia Plath

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. - Anaïs Nin

I made a decision to start writing again.
(Mainly inspired/encouraged by a cool guy named Dave)

And even though it bugs me to be starting on such a random day —a Wednesday, the 21st—this decision would be meaningless without action. So here I am, 10 months and 14 days since my last post, writing. Picking up where I left off...

twelve.

Praise God for bringing me to Fresno Pacific.
There are many reasons I'm thankful I went to FPU and near the top of the list are the professors like the ones above who taught, challenged and encouraged me both in and out of the classroom. I recently realized that December will mark TWO years of being a college graduate. What a blessing to still be able to call professors like these three mentors and friends.

thirteen.
How can young people keep their way pure?
By guarding it according to your word.
With my whole heart I seek you;
do not let me stray from your commandments.
I treasure your word in my heart,
so that I may not sin against you.
Blessed are you, O Lord;
teach me your statutes.
With my lips I declare
all the ordinances of your mouth.
I delight in the way of your decrees
as much as in all riches.
I will meditate on your precepts,
and fix my eyes on your ways.
I will delight in your statutes;
I will not forget your word. 

-Psalm 119:9-16

Praise God for His Word. 

One of my professors, the one pictured on the right above, introduced me to a new way of approaching the Bible. For each class he taught, he chose a passage that we would read at the beginning of each class period. Let me be clear, we read the same passage every class session. I remember thinking that it was weird and well, boring at first.  But eventually this practice helped me to understand that the Bible is the Living Word of God, speaking anew to us each time we read it. I was reminded that the Bible wasn't simply a tool or resource to use to write papers and tell stories, but that it provides another way for God to reveal Himself to us. 

Still on this train of thought; this summer I was challenged to memorize Psalm 121 with the Midweek Kids Connection team. Honestly, it had been years since I had intentionally worked on memorizing Scripture and I must say, I really enjoyed it! I loved being able to recall an encouraging passage to a friend when they were feeling down. I liked it so much I decided I wanted to memorize something else. So, I've (just barely) begun memorizing the Gospel of Mark. I know a whole book is a big jump from a single (short) Psalm, but I figured, why not? I thought it'd be a good idea to choose a Gospel, so I chose Mark because a) I took a Bib Lit class on it in college and b) it's the shortest, ha. I've currently got down the first...eleven(?) verses, so I've got quite a ways to go (biggest understatement). But feel free to check in on me and make sure I'm actually making time to work on it! I'm thinking it'd be nice to have it all memorized by the end of the year.

Whew, I can really tell I haven't been writing. Here's to hoping I get back into the swing of it really soon!

nine. [of ten thousand]

nine.
Praise God for knowing even the smallest details.
Those few extra minutes of sleep. That  feeling after a good shower. The smell of a hot cup of lav cream earl grey. Those first familiar chords of that one song. That safe, comfortable place in the company of your best friend.

It's the little things that remind me that God sees me and knows me. When I notice these little things, I remember He hasn't forgotten about me.

So, I keep fighting, knowing I'm not alone.

six. [of ten thousand]

Today's reason for praise probably doesn't come as much of a surprise for those that know anything about my Wednesdays...

six.
Praise God for the gracious hearts, inquiring minds, and infectious joy of children. Wednesday evenings never fail to lift my spirit and bring a smile to my face. Praise God for my kinder lifegroup. Praise God for these two hours each week filled with shamelessly silly hand motions, meaningful games and crafts and encouragingly insightful discussions with the coolest four and five year olds.

five. [of ten thousand]

Here I am, end of today.

Funny how ever since making the decision to be intentionally focused on finding [at least] one reason a day to praise God, the days seem to present themselves with opportunities to do the opposite. But I've got another.

five.
Praise God He knows our hearts, He knows my heart.

Today I met with the director of Friends of Portugal to discuss my role in the organization. I'm going to be doing a lot of their  administrative  work (mailing lists, newsletters, etc.) and later on outreach and "advertising" (social media presence, website maintenance, seeking out blog content). I'm so excited to be moving from the "sidelines" of supporting what FOP is doing to being "put in the game" with this opportunity to be working with everyone to help them get things done! This position combines my clerical/administrative knowledge and experience with my love for and of Portugal in an excellent way. I know I'll really have to manage my time well with my full time job, kindergarten life group and other commitments in addition to this part-time postion, but it definitely helps that this is something I'm so passionate about!

Praise God for knowing I needed a way to be connected and involved with what's going on at home and providing one that utilizes the skills I'm gaining at the job He provided for me while I'm here.

when children pray.

On Wednesdays, I hang out with Kindergartners. We sing, we pray, we play, we learn about Jesus--we do life together. It's a highlight of my week, every week.


At the beginning of the month I got a brand new group of kids to hang out with, the ones who will be going into Kindergarten in the fall. On the night of the "up-grade" one of the moms asked for my name, so they could pray for me during the week. I thought it was sweet, introduced myself and thanked her. Weeks passed and I kind of forgot about it.

Until tonight. The same mom came to pick up her daughter and this is the conversation we had:

Parent: "It's Katy, right?"
Me: "Yep, that's me"
Parent: "Ohhh, we hear all about Miss Katy at home!"
Me: "All good things, I hope!"
Parent: "Of course! A* tells me all about how she gets to sit next to Miss Katy during worship. Also that Miss Katy wears a ring, but doesn't have a husband."
*Laughter*
Parent: "So, thank you."
Me: "Umm, uhh..."
Parent: "We got to talk about purity and loving and serving God."

What an amazing story! I am really just relaying it...all I did was wear a ring and answer, to the great dismay of the eight girls that were there that night of the up-grade, that I wasn't married and didn't have kids. The parents of this precious child should be getting the praise here. For engaging in conversation and encouraging prayer with their daughter, even though she is "only" four years old. Look what great fruit is being reaped! Can you imagine what amazing conversations they could be having once she's fourteen? 

It all starts here. Kids.

That Jesus knew what He was talking about.

So talk to kids. Pray with kids. 

p.s. I've been inspired to re-read this book that I read while I was a children's ministry intern oh so long ago. It's a good one.

*name changed

sempre em frente.

I was inspired today.

This afternoon I had a chance to share tea and conversation with my dear friend Alyssa. I feel we've been so blessed to share similar "heart-stirrings" for people and places that are so far from  those that we grew up calling "home"--Espaço in Massamá for me and The Imara Health Clinic in Kenya for her. After five years of living in different cities/states/countries, it has been/is truly a blessing to have such a genuine friendship.

As we spent the afternoon catching up, sharing both joys and challenges we've encountered, I realized something really important...


It may not be easy to carry out the call that God's put on our lives, in fact it has potential to be downright difficult. I know I may come across seemingly impossible obstacles and will not get to take the "easy way out". I am not under the impression that the grass in Portugal will be greener and life will be without oppression or hardship, I know life there will come with its own challenges.

But, regardless of what obstacles I'm facing now or which ones are still yet to come, I'm called to love God and love others and for me,  the Portuguese are a specific people God's placed on my heart to love.

I don't know why and I can't explain it, all I know is that after five years of daily thinking and praying for them and almost weekly weeping in homesickness, I can't deny that God's going to bring me back there. And because of that, I should not, could not, would not give up pursuing God's plans. (Sorry for the Dr.Suess-esque phrasing)

When you're giving or getting directions in Portugese, you say, "sempre em frente" to communicate that one should go straight. If you break apart this phrase it reads, "always in front". I love this. In order to stay straight on the path God's calling us to, we have to keep Him in front of us always---our number one priority.

So I head to bed in peace tonight as I cling to the hope that although I face obstacles, He has overcome!

seasons.

Graduation was on Saturday.

Not for me, but for the rest of my class. We're done with undergrad. We're moving on.

The season is changing.

I've really struggled with the whole "seasons" thing. Change can be pretty difficult on its on, whether it's changing schools, jobs or place of residence. But mostly I've dreaded friendship seasons. I've heard it over and over that "Some people are only in  your life for a season, Katy."

I HATED that. 

Why couldn't they stay around? Was it something I did? How do I not do that or why did I keep doing that? 

I've talked to many and prayed a lot about having peace with this, and it's a work in progress.

I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday, though. A breakthrough after a bit of a breakdown.

Breakdown: My roommate who became an amazing friend moved home to Southern California. It's been an enormous blessing to have her in my life for the past four years, and I'm confident we're "stuck" with each other, but it's still hard to see the seasons change from living in the same room to living on the same campus to living in the same town to just living in the same state. 

Breakthrough: Brad spoke on 1 Corinthians 9:1-19 and Paul's teachings on choosing Love over our rights and freedoms. It was the perfect message for me to hear on many levels, but a breakthrough came when I realized that God's calling of my heart to Portugal means I'll have to sacrifice a lot. A main focus of the passage was on Paul's defense and later refusal of his right to earn money for his ministry. (v. 14-18) Now, I came to accept the fact long ago that I wouldn't ever make a lot of money  doing what God was calling me to do. That I have no problem with. It wasn't money I'd argue with God about.

It's relationships.

Not even romantic ones, although there's been arguments and someday they'll be again over those too. But friendships. Deep, genuine, intimate friendships. 

It's been a common lament of mine that the friends I feel closest to and safest with live the farthest away from me. Whether it's another city or another state, there's at least four hours between us. 

In my selfish, narrow-sighted anger, I'd cry out: "Why are all of the people who "get" me and love me so far away?" What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone stay around?"

And then yesterday, the breakthrough...

God's placed those people in my life in different places so that I can learn how to do daily life without them and with Him. He's showing me that I can maintain friendships, deep, rich, intimate friendships, with people who live far from me. Whether we have eight hours of a time difference or driving separating us, it's totally doable. 

So, if you're changing seasons, remember He's got reason. ;)

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 

a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 

a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to throw away; 

a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

q & a.

Anyone who has known me for a while, will tell you...I'm a worrier.
I used to have this joke(?) that one of my best talents was worrying. Sadly,  it's kind of true. I'm really good at finding something to worry about.

But you know what is also true? God knows that I'm a worrier. He knows I am a planner. He knows what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.

This idea, that God knows me and knows what I need is where the title of this blog comes from:

Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you--you of little  faith!
- Luke 12:24-28

Well, I just wanted to share some of the times that God has silenced my worry with His faithfulness. Even when I forget and get caught up in worry again, He patiently, lovingly reminds me of how He loves in His still small voice...

God, I graduated from high school, what am I supposed to do??

come to Portugal, meet these people, open your mind to a new way of life.

God, I am back in California, I'd rather be in Portugal. What am I supposed to do??

come to Fresno Pacific, meet these people,  open your mind to a new way of life. 

God, I have to pick a major. What am I supposed to do??

come to MBMSI, meet these people, open your mind to a new way of life. (it's okay that people don't think it's a practical major)

God, I am Biblical Studies major, I don't want to be a pastor. Do I have to go to seminary? . What am I supposed to do??

visit some seminaries, meet these people, open your mind to a new way of life. (it's okay not to go to seminary)

God, I still think about Portugal a lot. I need closure. What am I supposed to do??

come to portugal with this ticket that you can afford, reconnect with these people, open your mind to a new way of life. (you'll be coming back)

God, I know You're continually keeping Portugal on my heart for a reason but I have all of this student loan debt. What am I supposed to do??take this full time job.* and this check for half of your loans. learn skills to be used in the role I'm preparing you for in Portugal. 

*By the way...this is a really awesome story that is best, in my opinion, told in person. You should ask me about it sometime.

Sometimes it's difficult to hear the whisper of His voice among the noise of world and the voices of others. A whispered voice is best heard when you're close, When you're intimate.

Let's take some time to draw near to God this week. Just see what happens. :)