a letter to Bboy.

Dear Auggie,

My sweet boy, while I can remember life before you, it’s near impossible to imagine it without you now. On our second Mother’s Day, and our first since you’ve been born, I want to jot down a few things for you.

Your dad and I were talking today about how lucky we feel that you’re such a low-key baby. You have the sweetest temperament, with a silly streak that brings us so much joy. Your laughter is infectious, and we are having so much fun finding new ways to hear it. You are fascinated by your dog, and he very patiently obliges your not-so-gentle love. Sometimes you make faces that I’ve often made. Other times I take a photo of you and see so much of your dad. And while it’s so fun to see what parts of ourselves we’ve passed on to you, I love that you are your own person. I like getting to know you.

I have often heard parents talking about giving their kids what they didn’t have, but I don’t think I truly understood what a gift it is to be able to do that until I became your mom. One of the unique ways that I have been able to is perhaps the simplest, and also the most profound—being with you these past eight months. I’m so grateful to have been adopted, but I have also found so much healing in getting to share in your earliest memories and milestones. I love that you know my face and my voice, and that you’re even starting to respond to my name now. You’ll never have to wonder who I am or how much you’re wanted, because I’m here with you and will tell, or sing it to you, every day.

You are my Auggie, my only Auggie.

You make me happy on all the days.

I hope you know, dear, how much I love you;

It’s more than words can say.

I loveyou loveyou loveyou,

Mama

twenty twenty.

Today is the last day of the year.
The last day of the decade.
I have been feeling the ... impulse? ... obligation? to reflect.
So here is my attempt to put some words down.

This decade has seen such low points.
Ten years ago, at the end of a different decade, depression and anxiety felt like the masters of my life. Panic attacks were a common yet terrifyingly unexpected occurrence. I slept all the time because I didn't feel sad when I slept; I didn't panic when I slept--until I did. That year I found myself wondering if it would be better to not be around at all. It was made clear to me that that was not a better option. I'm thankful.

Two years ago I switched masters programs at Fuller after abruptly and heartbreakingly discovering that the plan and vision I had had was not something I could sustainably do. I'm still in the liminal space of finding what it is I should can will do. In the meantime, I can do what is in front of me. I'm thankful.

This decade has seen high points.
Five years ago Sam and I agreed to love, honor, and cherish one another for better or worse,  richer or poorer, in sickness or health. Only five years in and we've already walked through several of these scenarios. I'm thankful.

This decade brought hellos. 
I met seven out of eight nieces (from my siblings) in the past ten years. I met and became part of the Kelly (and Doman and Lovett) family. I started and changed jobs. I moved to a new city where I met new classmates, friends, and church family. I worked with a couple of therapists who have helped me to learn things about myself that I didn't even realize that I didn't know. I found new places and spaces and returned to familiar favorites too. I'm thankful.

This decade has brought goodbyes. 
Some were healthy; some were expected; others were neither. All of them were difficult.

The freshest goodbye is to the house I grew up in. The house my family brought me home to. The house where I had the room with the famously long closet and the swamp cooler. The house where I took my engagement photos and where I later got ready for my wedding day. It was and is a great place to live. Family members are buying the house so I'll still be able to visit. I'm thankful.


This has been a hodgepodge of memories. Lest you think too highly of me, the thankfulness that punctuates each one is found through much effort, and even then I don't always feel it.

As I close this post, and the year, I'll share this poem by Rilke. It's one I keep returning to and that I feel captures my reflections on the past, the work of the present, and my hope for the future.


God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby us the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

– Rainer Maria Rilke, Book of Hours, I, 59.

2009 to 2019

just enough light

Today is my last full day in Pasadena. This week has been filled with packing and cleaning; the week before was all about finishing school. We said our first goodbyes (to our community group) two weeks ago and we'll say our last ones tomorrow as friends come to help us load up the moving truck. Over the last few weeks, as the end of school and our time here was fast approaching, I have been trying to reflect upon and reminisce about this past season. There's so much I want to say, so many experiences to recount, so many people I want to thank. Maybe I'll make another post to do that. For now, I want to take a moment to claim and affirm some of the things I'm taking home with me.

My time here has looked nothing like I thought, hoped, or at some times even wanted, but I wouldn't change a thing. I am leaving Pasadena/coming back to Fresno so different than who I was when left Fresno/came to Pasadena two years and seven months ago. I have struggled, learned, ached, and grown in ways that I never expected. I've allowed myself to feel sad, angry, afraid, and confused and because of that, I experienced a greater hope and deeper joy than I ever knew was possible. It's not because those all of those emotions are enjoyable to experience, but rather it is because by experiencing them, I was able to be unapologetically myself. And ultimately, although I have changed, I am still me. In fact,

I am more myself than I have ever been. 

It's probably no surprise that I have found words from the ever-sage Henri Nouwen to help me articulate my perspective.  These excerpts describe hope. The kind of hope that I have found, that I carry with me.

From Here and Now:

While optimism makes us live as if someday soon things will go better for us, hope frees us from the need to predict the future and allows us to live in the present, with the deep trust that God will never leave us alone but will fulfill the deepest desires of our heart. When I trust deeply that today God is truly with me and holds me safe in a divine embrace, guiding every one of my steps I can let go of my anxious need to know how tomorrow will look, or what will happen next month or next year. I can be fully where I am and pay attention to the many signs of God's love within me and around me.  

From Turn My Mourning into Dancing:

Hope is willing to leave unanswered questions unanswered and unknown futures unknown. Hope makes you see God's guiding hand not only in the gentle and pleasant moments but also in the shadows of disappointment and darkness. 

And finally, from Bread for the Journey:

Often we want to be able to see into the future. We say, “How will next year be for me? Where will I be five or ten years from now?” There are no answers to these questions. Mostly we have just enough light to see the next step: what we have to do in the coming hour or the following day. The art of living is to enjoy what we can see and not complain about what remains in the dark. When we are able to take the next step with the trust that we will have enough light for the step that follows, we can walk through life with joy and be surprised at how far we go. Let’s rejoice in the little light we carry and not ask for the great beam that would take all shadows away.

Moving forward in hope,
Kate

a thank you.

Based on the speech I gave at the celebration held back in April for Sherry's work and service at Mountain View Community Church.

I met Sherry Martin about 15 years ago. I was a fifth grader visiting a new church that met at Clovis High School. I still remember meeting a petite, soft-spoken, kind-eyed lady who led me to the K.I.D.S. Church room in Building K on that overcast Sunday morning.

Over the years Sherry has been a knowledgeable teacher, a gracious boss, a caring mentor and an ever-loving friend. I have been serving in children's ministry in some capacity for the past 11 years and it was Sherry who provided me with the first opportunity to do so. I will forever be thankful that she extended that first invitation to me.

Sherry has had such an influence and impact on my philosophy of and approach to children's ministry. She taught me through her words, recommended books and faithful example the precious value of a child's heart, faith and prayer. One of the books she recommended to me was When Children Pray, which I've talked about before. Reading and discussing this book with her gave me a fresh understanding of the importance of what we were doing as we served and loved kids.

Sherry has always been one of my favorite people to talk to about children's ministry and member care. I always felt that she truly understood my passion for member care--supporting, encouraging and equipping the Church and encouraged me to keep pursuing that. That's just Sherry. Even though it's been several years since we've attended the same church she continues to be such a whole-hearted supporter and encourager in my life.

I am honored to have had the opportunity to see Sherry before she got to join our Savior. I found the only words I could muster were thank you. It feels like there's so much more I could or should say, but that's another thing about Sherry, she always made you feel like enough while still gently pushing you to keep growing.  Her quiet patience and unconditional compassion inspire me to be a better teacher, small group leader, friend and hopefully someday, a parent. Her life provides such a beautiful example of what it looks like to truly love those you serve.

Thank you, Sherry.

valentine.

I've held off posting this because I wanted to have the opportunity to share the news personally (in person, on the phone) but I wrote this on Friday night, well technically early Saturday morning...


Today will forever be one of the greatest days of my life.

Today was Valentine's day. I have never really been a fan of this day, all of the  pressure for grand gestures and overpriced purchases to tell your love for others on this one day. Still, today was an excellent day.

Can I briefly back up to yesterday? Just yesterday night. Last night the following text conversation happened:

My best friend drove out to my house, brought me a flower and admired the moon with me for a few minutes. A flower on a day that's not Valentine's day--such a great gift.

Okay, back to today. Since I'm a list person, here's my list of what made today so excellent:

Today, my best friend started my day off with a quote from one of my favorite little books, The Little Prince.
Today, my best friend and I dressed up really nice.
Today, my best friend and I ate panang chicken and it was delicious.
Today, my best friend and I shared a pot of lavender cream earl grey while watching Downton Abbey.
Today, my best friend and I came back to his apartment complex to find my car had been towed. Note, this was excellent because a) it wasn't stolen b) nothing valuable was inside and c)...
Today, my best friend took a "detour" on our way to take me home.
Today, my best friend and I took off our shoes and walked around the place where we met, were declared to be BFFs (by me), took classes together, got to know each other, first liked each other (without the others' knowledge): Fresno Pacific University.
Today, my best friend told me he loved me. (and I told him I loved him)
Today, my best friend asked me to marry him. (and I said yes)

I really don't think it's fully sunk in yet...
that I get to spend the rest of my life, whatever that might entail, with my best friend.
I am humbled to be given such a wonderful gift.
Our prayer is that we will be able to serve the Kingdom better together than we would be able to apart and that our relationship would bring glory and bear witness to our gracious God.

fourteen. [of ten thousand]

fourteen.

I'm overwhelmed by His great love for us.

You bled your heart out
Now I feel love beat in my chest
How wonderful
You gave your beauty
In exchange for my ugliness
How wonderful

You left your perfection
And embraced our rejection

How marvelous, how boundless
Is Your love, is Your love
How wonderful, sacrificial
Is Your love for me

You put on our chains
Sent us out through the open door
How wonderful
You took our sadness
Crowned us with joy and real peace
How wonderful

You left Your perfection
And fought for our redemption

Yes Jesus loves me
Yes Jesus loves me
How wonderful
Yes Jesus loves me
This is love
You gave Yourself

twelve and thirteen. [of ten thousand]

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. -Sylvia Plath

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. - Anaïs Nin

I made a decision to start writing again.
(Mainly inspired/encouraged by a cool guy named Dave)

And even though it bugs me to be starting on such a random day —a Wednesday, the 21st—this decision would be meaningless without action. So here I am, 10 months and 14 days since my last post, writing. Picking up where I left off...

twelve.

Praise God for bringing me to Fresno Pacific.
There are many reasons I'm thankful I went to FPU and near the top of the list are the professors like the ones above who taught, challenged and encouraged me both in and out of the classroom. I recently realized that December will mark TWO years of being a college graduate. What a blessing to still be able to call professors like these three mentors and friends.

thirteen.
How can young people keep their way pure?
By guarding it according to your word.
With my whole heart I seek you;
do not let me stray from your commandments.
I treasure your word in my heart,
so that I may not sin against you.
Blessed are you, O Lord;
teach me your statutes.
With my lips I declare
all the ordinances of your mouth.
I delight in the way of your decrees
as much as in all riches.
I will meditate on your precepts,
and fix my eyes on your ways.
I will delight in your statutes;
I will not forget your word. 

-Psalm 119:9-16

Praise God for His Word. 

One of my professors, the one pictured on the right above, introduced me to a new way of approaching the Bible. For each class he taught, he chose a passage that we would read at the beginning of each class period. Let me be clear, we read the same passage every class session. I remember thinking that it was weird and well, boring at first.  But eventually this practice helped me to understand that the Bible is the Living Word of God, speaking anew to us each time we read it. I was reminded that the Bible wasn't simply a tool or resource to use to write papers and tell stories, but that it provides another way for God to reveal Himself to us. 

Still on this train of thought; this summer I was challenged to memorize Psalm 121 with the Midweek Kids Connection team. Honestly, it had been years since I had intentionally worked on memorizing Scripture and I must say, I really enjoyed it! I loved being able to recall an encouraging passage to a friend when they were feeling down. I liked it so much I decided I wanted to memorize something else. So, I've (just barely) begun memorizing the Gospel of Mark. I know a whole book is a big jump from a single (short) Psalm, but I figured, why not? I thought it'd be a good idea to choose a Gospel, so I chose Mark because a) I took a Bib Lit class on it in college and b) it's the shortest, ha. I've currently got down the first...eleven(?) verses, so I've got quite a ways to go (biggest understatement). But feel free to check in on me and make sure I'm actually making time to work on it! I'm thinking it'd be nice to have it all memorized by the end of the year.

Whew, I can really tell I haven't been writing. Here's to hoping I get back into the swing of it really soon!

ten and eleven. [of ten thousand]

Here we are, the end of  a wonderful weekend.

I went to a show on Friday with my [former] roomie and it was excellent. Well, the two of the three bands were excellent. The headliner, The Head and The Heart had a really great set and I found some new music to intake from the opener, Bryan John Appleby.
I've been asked before how I "get into" a band. The typical process is usually:

1. Gotta dig the sound. 
• I have a fairly wide range of genres I like, hard to describe exactly what I like and why I like it...but I know what I like.
2. Scrutinize the lyrics
• Doesn't mean I have to completely understand or interpret them, sometimes that's near impossible. (Or actually impossible...Sigur Rós...) Sometimes the lyrics just paint a brillant image. But sometimes, and best of all, lyrics speak directly to my heart. Those songs that seem to take the jumble of my thoughts and emotions and put them into a great song.
3. Get to know the people.
• Call me a creeper, but I'm definitely in the habit of wanting to get to know the people behind the music. Even if I'm not actually meeting them, I love to learn and hear the stories of the artists, especially the ones who have written songs that really spoke to me. How does their story relate to mine?

Anyway, all that to say The Head and The Heart has written a couple of necessary songs. Songs that have lyrics that hit home. I couldn't help but belt them out with the rest of the crowd. 

ten.

"you're already at home where you feel loved"

Praise God for home. 

The kind of home that is more a state of the heart rather than a physical place. I think I associate "home" with people more than I do with places. My roomie is home. The Feavers are home. The kids and families of Espaço are home. My family is home. 

"these are the places I will always go"

eleven.

"and I am on my way, I am on my way back to where I started"

Praise God for memories. 

I know it's impossible and unhealthy to pine for the past, but I do think it's important to look back every once in awhile. To see where you came from and how you got to where you stand now. To remember and not forget. Look at Israel and how they were called to remember and not forget (the Psalter alone has so many other examples of salvation-history!)   So praise God for reminding me where I was, even though it's difficult to want to remember some of the places I was. Praise God I remember what it's like to be in a place of desperation. Praise God He brought me out of that. Praise God I'm not there now. Praise God I can see the signs and little red flags and have time and energy to do something about them. 

rivers and roads

rivers and roads

rivers till I reach You.

nine. [of ten thousand]

nine.
Praise God for knowing even the smallest details.
Those few extra minutes of sleep. That  feeling after a good shower. The smell of a hot cup of lav cream earl grey. Those first familiar chords of that one song. That safe, comfortable place in the company of your best friend.

It's the little things that remind me that God sees me and knows me. When I notice these little things, I remember He hasn't forgotten about me.

So, I keep fighting, knowing I'm not alone.

seven and eight. [of ten thousand]

I'd be lying if I said this has gotten easier each day. Going on in faith that one day it will be easier, that it will be as natural as breathing.

seven.
Praise God for cleaning.
My car, my room, my heart. Clearing the windshield to see, making a path to walk, shining the light of truth in to expose...from quite insignificant to most important, slowly but surely I'm we're making progress.


eight.

Praise God He's patiently full of grace.

As I was reminded through the radio today, "If I'm so thankful, why do I easily forget that You died for all of this?" This is why  I have to choose daily to see and remember just how good He's been to me. And every time I forget, He just patiently and gracefully reminds me again...and again...

six. [of ten thousand]

Today's reason for praise probably doesn't come as much of a surprise for those that know anything about my Wednesdays...

six.
Praise God for the gracious hearts, inquiring minds, and infectious joy of children. Wednesday evenings never fail to lift my spirit and bring a smile to my face. Praise God for my kinder lifegroup. Praise God for these two hours each week filled with shamelessly silly hand motions, meaningful games and crafts and encouragingly insightful discussions with the coolest four and five year olds.

five. [of ten thousand]

Here I am, end of today.

Funny how ever since making the decision to be intentionally focused on finding [at least] one reason a day to praise God, the days seem to present themselves with opportunities to do the opposite. But I've got another.

five.
Praise God He knows our hearts, He knows my heart.

Today I met with the director of Friends of Portugal to discuss my role in the organization. I'm going to be doing a lot of their  administrative  work (mailing lists, newsletters, etc.) and later on outreach and "advertising" (social media presence, website maintenance, seeking out blog content). I'm so excited to be moving from the "sidelines" of supporting what FOP is doing to being "put in the game" with this opportunity to be working with everyone to help them get things done! This position combines my clerical/administrative knowledge and experience with my love for and of Portugal in an excellent way. I know I'll really have to manage my time well with my full time job, kindergarten life group and other commitments in addition to this part-time postion, but it definitely helps that this is something I'm so passionate about!

Praise God for knowing I needed a way to be connected and involved with what's going on at home and providing one that utilizes the skills I'm gaining at the job He provided for me while I'm here.

four. [of ten thousand]

Yesterday I was dead asleep before 9pm. Yesterday, and today, my heart sang His praise for rest.

four.
Praise God for rest.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

And from that, I can see I'm still learning...

two and three. [of ten thousand]

Well, it's been a tough weekend. This really is a battle.

I'm determined to keep going, to keep trying, to keep fighting.

This morning I read through the majority of my previous posts. It left me feeling pretty convicted and down. Like, who is this girl writing these words? She's trying, she's learning, she's growing. And then she stopped. I stopped. But I'm back again, willing and wanting to pick up where I left off and move onward and upward.

Anyway,I have reasons two and three to share today:

two.
He sees me, He knows me, He loves me. Specifically: I am quite thankful He put the notion in my head to start up a blog at the beginning of this year. In my first post I mentioned that this would serve as a giant post-it of sorts. I remember things much better when they're written down. Even when I don't remember them, I can look back and remember if they're written down. I forgot, but I had written it down and now I'm remembering. He sees me, He knows me, He loves me.

three.
He provides. Specifically: I have a home, a bed, a car, a plethora of clothes, a full fridge and pantry and a steady job. The essentials and then some.

This is short, but it's something.

As another wise friend once told me, deep breaths and small steps.

one. [of ten thousand]

After quite a hiatus, I am back. Back with words, words that matter.

To be completely honest, these past couple of months have been/are still difficult. There are many factors  that have contributed to that. But I'm being honest here, so I have to say, the biggest factor is...ME.

Paul sums it pretty well here:
"For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me."

I've definitely been feeling overwhelmed by my sin rather than His love. It's a constant battle within myself, and some days I really don't feel like fighting it. But I have to. Why? As a wise friend told me less than an hour ago, "to give up is to give away Christ's victory."

 As a step forward in this battle I'm challenging myself, and anyone who'd like to keep me accountable or join in, to find 10,000 reasons to praise God. (yeah, I was inspired by the song)

The plan is to share at least one a day. And these are  solid, specific reasons. 

Tonight, I praise God for the friends He's put in my life to pray me through this battle. For Trav and Beth and Tom, for Anna, for Lys, for Lauren, for Marissa,  Courtney, Fran, Micaella, Kelsey, Natalie, Cynthia, Ashley, Faith, Jianni, Amanda and Krissy, for Annie, for Marisela, for Amie, for Av, for Steven, for Sarah, for Emery, for Kim and Susan, and for so many others. These encouragers and prayer warriors,these friends and givers of great hugs, these tear-driers and hand-holders...they are reminders that I am seen, I am loved and I am not fighting this alone.

"But there's one other thing I remember, 

 and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got."

- Lamentations 3:21-23