with open hands.

Sam went to a book sale a few weeks ago and picked up this book for me:

and I truly enjoyed it! I really appreciate  Nouwen's writing, and this book in particular had the added aesthetic of black and white photos. 

There were so many take aways from this book, the pages are already peppered with flags and underlines and quotes and notes have been scribbled into a notebook, but there's one in particular that has been showing up in my life repeatedly over the past week so I figured it was a good idea to chew on it a bit more.

"Praying  means to  stop expecting from God that same small-mindedness which you discover in yourself. To pray is to walk in the full light of God, and to say simply, without holding back, "I am a man and you are God." At that moment, conversion occurs, the restoration of the true relationship. Man is not the one who once in a while makes a mistake and God is not the one who now and then forgives. No, man is a sinner and God is love." - Henri J.M. Nouwen, With Open Hands

The message I gleaned from this, the one that kept making an appearance in my life this past week was this: it is not about me; trust Him.

On Tuesday and Wednesday, it was prepping for my Kinder life group.
The theme of the week? "I can trust God  is the One who knows everything; He knows what is best."
I don't know what I want to/am supposed to do with my life,
where I will be in a year
or even what tomorrow looks like.
But it is not about me.
I can TRUST God because He knows everything. He knows all of the options I have before me, and He knows which is best.  He knows my hurts, my anxieties, my sins and shortcomings, my joys and delights. He knows everything that I was, am and will become.

On Thursday it was two and a half hours of sharing life with the ladies in my life group.
Although we did specifically talk about the fact that "it is not about me", it was more than hearing and saying those words.
It was listening to each other's struggles and experiences. It was sharing my own insight and hearing a completely different perspective and understanding from someone else.
It is not about me, it is about US.

Today was probably the toughest bite to swallow. Today it was PJ message on James. My faith in Christ is (far too often) challenged by...myself.
My  desire to be in control
and know the plan
and find a way to make things (that I want) happen.
My plans, my way.
Apparently I still needed to hear it again: IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.
When I let myself get consumed in introspectiveness, planning and all of the unknown in my life, when I try to depend on myself, I grow anxious and ill and completely overwhelmed.

So the aim this week, this month, this year, this lifetime? Fix my heart on the One who it IS all about, the One who knows everything. To release my death grip on the plans and lists I've made and open my hands to receive the LOVE and HOPE and JOY that God gives. To let go, and trust Him.

seven and eight. [of ten thousand]

I'd be lying if I said this has gotten easier each day. Going on in faith that one day it will be easier, that it will be as natural as breathing.

seven.
Praise God for cleaning.
My car, my room, my heart. Clearing the windshield to see, making a path to walk, shining the light of truth in to expose...from quite insignificant to most important, slowly but surely I'm we're making progress.


eight.

Praise God He's patiently full of grace.

As I was reminded through the radio today, "If I'm so thankful, why do I easily forget that You died for all of this?" This is why  I have to choose daily to see and remember just how good He's been to me. And every time I forget, He just patiently and gracefully reminds me again...and again...

five. [of ten thousand]

Here I am, end of today.

Funny how ever since making the decision to be intentionally focused on finding [at least] one reason a day to praise God, the days seem to present themselves with opportunities to do the opposite. But I've got another.

five.
Praise God He knows our hearts, He knows my heart.

Today I met with the director of Friends of Portugal to discuss my role in the organization. I'm going to be doing a lot of their  administrative  work (mailing lists, newsletters, etc.) and later on outreach and "advertising" (social media presence, website maintenance, seeking out blog content). I'm so excited to be moving from the "sidelines" of supporting what FOP is doing to being "put in the game" with this opportunity to be working with everyone to help them get things done! This position combines my clerical/administrative knowledge and experience with my love for and of Portugal in an excellent way. I know I'll really have to manage my time well with my full time job, kindergarten life group and other commitments in addition to this part-time postion, but it definitely helps that this is something I'm so passionate about!

Praise God for knowing I needed a way to be connected and involved with what's going on at home and providing one that utilizes the skills I'm gaining at the job He provided for me while I'm here.

when children pray.

On Wednesdays, I hang out with Kindergartners. We sing, we pray, we play, we learn about Jesus--we do life together. It's a highlight of my week, every week.


At the beginning of the month I got a brand new group of kids to hang out with, the ones who will be going into Kindergarten in the fall. On the night of the "up-grade" one of the moms asked for my name, so they could pray for me during the week. I thought it was sweet, introduced myself and thanked her. Weeks passed and I kind of forgot about it.

Until tonight. The same mom came to pick up her daughter and this is the conversation we had:

Parent: "It's Katy, right?"
Me: "Yep, that's me"
Parent: "Ohhh, we hear all about Miss Katy at home!"
Me: "All good things, I hope!"
Parent: "Of course! A* tells me all about how she gets to sit next to Miss Katy during worship. Also that Miss Katy wears a ring, but doesn't have a husband."
*Laughter*
Parent: "So, thank you."
Me: "Umm, uhh..."
Parent: "We got to talk about purity and loving and serving God."

What an amazing story! I am really just relaying it...all I did was wear a ring and answer, to the great dismay of the eight girls that were there that night of the up-grade, that I wasn't married and didn't have kids. The parents of this precious child should be getting the praise here. For engaging in conversation and encouraging prayer with their daughter, even though she is "only" four years old. Look what great fruit is being reaped! Can you imagine what amazing conversations they could be having once she's fourteen? 

It all starts here. Kids.

That Jesus knew what He was talking about.

So talk to kids. Pray with kids. 

p.s. I've been inspired to re-read this book that I read while I was a children's ministry intern oh so long ago. It's a good one.

*name changed

blank page.

I've decided it's better to wait until I have something to say than write simply to write.

I wrote that two days ago, hoping I would have find some sort of inspiration or have a grand epiphany...

nothing.

So, I reluctantly stuck to the original statement, and didn't write. I thought about not writing anything at all this week, but the thought of breaking the weekly post was so irritating.

I've got to find a balance between inspiration and discipline. 


And that's where I am right now. Trying to figure out how to be directed,intentional and genuine in the way I pursue loving God and loving others.

So far I've  found/am finding:

1. I need to keep working on being open and honest with the people in my life, specifically with those in my daily life.

2. I have to CHOOSE to TAKE the time to build relationships, with God and with others. I'm seeing that for me it's not about "making" the time, the time is there...to paint with Jesus, to pray for people when I say I will,to meet a friend for coffee, etc., etc., etc.

3. I cannot do either. I just can't. I am not wise or honest or brave or disciplined enough to figure this out on my own. God didn't intend for me to be, not without Him. So really this is about me learning to lay down my pride.


So there it is. Here is where I am. I'm still not entirely sure if this ended up being a blog post written for the sake of having a blog post for the week...




p.s. here's something I started to paint this week. You know, when I made the time...

investment.

I've been thinking about stuff lately.
I don't mean that ambiguously, I mean I've been thinking about literal stuff. Specifically MY stuff.

I've been getting in these moods lately where I walk into my closet (if you've ever seen my closet, you know I mean literally walk in, maybe even lay out and take a nap) and start yanking clothes off hangers and putting them in hand-me-down and Goodwill piles. These often seem to come after instances like these...

About a month ago a good friend of mine moved from California to Mississippi. Let me clarify, about a month ago a good friend of mine DROVE from California to Mississippi. I had a chance to hang out with her a few days before she left and something she told me has been floating in my mind ever since.

"I'm driving around with my whole life in my car. My whole life fits in my car."

Or something along those lines. I guess I shouldn't put quotations around an approximation...oh well. The point is, I can't say that. I am no where near being able to say that.

And this morning I drove by a man on his bicycle towing a trailer carrying a cardboard box and a couple of black garbage bags and thought to myself, "That's his whole life, going with him wherever he goes."


Also, I discovered this blog today which reminded me of this book, both fueling the desire to get rid of my stuff.


I think part of my angst comes from the thought of moving home to Portugal in the near-ish future. I know near-ish is more like a few years, but college was a "few" years and that flew by.

When I think about moving back, I think about what I'd take with me. The last time I lived there I packed everything into two suitcases. That was for ten months. (I took a backpack and carry-on when I visited for a month) This next move will be for at least three years. Would it be possible to pack my whole life into two suitcases again? It's not like Portugal doesn't have HUGE malls, grocery stores, feiras (markets), etc. where I can buy lots more things. Will I leave things here in my room? Will I ever be moving back here to Chickadee Lane once I leave?

These questions are somewhat frequent, but the question that most often comes to mind is much more difficult to wrestle with.

"How much of myself do I invest here? Now?"
How much time? Should I start working with this ministry if I already know I'm not in it for the long haul?
 How much money? Should I save  up for a more reliable car?
How much of my heart? What happens if I meet someone (you know, that kind of someone)? Should I forget about them if they don't want to move to Portugal too? (Should I even really be worrying about this one at all? Answer to that one: No.)
How much of my interest? Can I love this time and place wholly and fully without losing the love of Portugal? How do I do that?

I have answers to some of those subquestions, most of them I don't. I've been listening to lots of Mumford lately, and this is the thought I'm left with (and the thought I'll leave you with):

"where you invest your love, you invest your life."

so live your life. (no tellin' where it'll take ya)

Sunday night, we meet again. Sometimes, more often that not actually, I cannot believe how quickly time passes. I actually thought about writing yesterday, but the procrastinator lives on. :/
It really would have made sense for me to write this yesterday, since most of what I'll be rambling on tonight happened yesterday...but I digress. 

If you ever drive out to my house from town, assuming you're not coming from Sanger, I'll tell you to watch for a curve in the road and the flashing yellow 30 MPH sign, you'll make a right turn off of the main 168 to get to my house. Well if you miss that turn off, or choose to pass it by like I did, you head straight up towards Prather, Auberry and eventually Shaver Lake. I decided to take the short drive up to the San Joaquin River Gorge just outside of Auberry. Beautiful place, short little hikes. It's best in the summer/early fall to explore the little(very little, think shimmy, not walking around) caves, but since I was alone and knew the sun would be setting in a few short hours, I decided to take the shorter trail to the bridge. All that babble to get you here:

After I had been walking for awhile, actually it couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes, I felt like the trail seemed to be longer than I remembered. I knew I was on the right trail, but I guess I was just impatient to get to the destination. I kept walking and heard water flowing, and it sounded quite close. Excited, I walked a little faster, only to find that the source was only a stream running down the side of a slope. I stopped to take a few photos and just listen to the water run by, but after a few minutes I got up and kept going. Although it was pretty and right there it wasn't what I had come for. 
Eventually I heard the faint sound of the river rushing and several minutes later I could see the bridge. Beautiful view. So worth the drive, the walk, the chill in the air and the light drizzle from the sky.

You know when you hear a message/sermon/devotional and the speaker just seems to have the perfect life example that fits in with what they're talking about? I always wondered how they always found such great examples. What I realized is that it's not that their lives are any more exciting or spiritual than mine, but rather that they were intentionally aware of how God was moving and working in their lives, from grocery shopping to taking a hike. On this hike in particular, I realized I had encountered some of those "really cool life examples":
-Even though the "trail" you're on may seem long and even daunting at times, remember God's past faithfulness. Keep going.
-God's voice isn't always the loudest one. There will be sounds/voices that seem a lot louder and closer, maybe even some that sound like what you're looking for. Be discerning. Keep listening.
-God is quite the Creator. Not really a metaphorical way to tie that in..but seriously, He makes some beautiful things. 

Again, mostly notes for myself. I guess it would be pretty cool to share these with a group. Or kind of terrifying.  Anyway, let's open our ears and be encouraged by His still, small voice.