a letter to my[ten-years-ago]self.

Dear 19-year-old Katy,

You've been on my mind lately. Maybe it's because it's been ten years since I was you. Maybe it's because I'm just a few months away from 30. Maybe it's because it's January and all of the new year reflecting is getting to me. Whatever the reason, you keep coming to mind, and it feels important to sit with you for a moment.

---

It's dark here.
It's really growing now—the anxiety and panic.
My heart is heavy seeing you here, even heavier knowing there's still the worst to come.

I know that words are only so helpful right now.
So many people around you have so many words for you.
I have words for you too. Words of truth. Words of hope.
But it's not time for those yet.

So right now, I'm showing up.
Holding a gentle light of hope into this darkness.
A hope that is rooted in reality: 29-year-old Katy exists.
It's difficult right now. It's so very difficult. It will become almost unbearable.

And you make it. You're still here.

I want to leave you with one more thing.
A poem, specifically.
I know you might not be ready to receive these words just yet.
But you will be.
And I'm already filled with joyful anticipation for the moment you are.


Love (III) by George Herbert

Love bade me welcome. Yet my soul drew back
                              Guilty of dust and sin.
But quick-eyed Love, observing me grow slack
                             From my first entrance in,
Drew nearer to me, sweetly questioning,
                             If I lacked any thing.

A guest, I answered, worthy to be here:
                             Love said, You shall be he.
I the unkind, ungrateful? Ah my dear,
                             I cannot look on thee.
Love took my hand, and smiling did reply,
                             Who made the eyes but I?

Truth Lord, but I have marred them: let my shame
                             Go where it doth deserve.
And know you not, says Love, who bore the blame?
                             My dear, then I will serve.
You must sit down, says Love, and taste my meat:
                             So I did sit and eat.

Source: George Herbert and the Seventeenth-Century Religious Poets (W. W. Norton and Company, 1978).

a good day, 2009

yet.

Last week I opened a large, flat envelope at my parents’ house to find my diploma from Fuller. A couple of weeks ago, I had seen some excited and celebratory posts from some of my classmates who had received theirs, which made me anxious to see my own. However, when I opened that envelope and carefully removed the piece of paper confirming the completion of my master’s degree, I cried — not tears of joy or gratitude (I feel guilty just typing that out) but tears of grief, frustration, and shame.

Because in that moment, that piece of paper did not represent the time, work, growth, and discovery of the past two years. It represented unrealized plans, unmet expectations — my failure. It held all of the shame, anxiety, and anguish of the decision to leave the MS MFT program and switch to an MA degree in family studies — a degree that I had not planned to get nor had a clear picture of how to use. It amplified the unknown and the uncertainty of the past two months of being back in Fresno.

I know my last posts present the opposing and perhaps more rational and reasonable perspectives: the hope found in the unknown, the peace from “just enough light,” and the constant learning process of freely accepting grace. I still believe those are true and valid. They are what I strive for. However, it also feels important to share this true and valid part of my story, because while there is hope in what’s to come, there are also feelings of loss and grief from what I let go, from what could have been.

While I realize that personality categorizations and assessments, especially when self-assessed, should be taken with a grain of salt, I have found learning about the Enneagram to be a helpful and healing resource in this season. David Daniels and Virginia Price’s description of the Type One in The Essential Enneagram is overwhelmingly relatable.

Reading this made sense of the tearful reaction to my diploma. It explained the shaming inner monologue that keeps making an appearance in my mind:

“I’ve been back in Fresno for just over two months. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any actionable ideas of how I want to use my degree or pursue involvement in member care. I don’t have our apartment fully unpacked or decorated. We haven’t joined a church community.”

And it’s helping me to add a little word to the end of each of those sentences: Yet.

I don’t have a job yet. I don’t have any actionable ideas of how I want to use my degree or pursue involvement in member care yet. I don’t have our apartment fully unpacked or decorated yet. We haven’t joined a church community yet.

What a difference that little three-letter word can make.

Predictably, Nouwen again has words to encourage and challenge me. This time from Can You Drink the Cup?:

We have to live our life, not someone else’s. We have to hold our own cup. We have to dare to say: “This is my life, the life that is given to me, and it is this life that I have to live, as well as I can. My life is unique. Nobody else will ever live it. I have my own history, my own family, my own body, my own character, my own friends, my own way of thinking, speaking, and acting—yes, I have my own life to live. No one else has the same challenge. I am alone, because I am unique. Many people can help me to live my life, but after all is said and done, I have to make my own choices about how to live.”

Finding hope in the “yet,”

Kate

a letter to my[year-ago]self.

Dear Kate (or Kathryn, as you've decided to go by here),

You are about to start your first day of grad school after what seems like the longest wait—congratulations! I am happy to report that you make it through the first year. It's both easier and harder than you anticipated. It won't be the most difficult year you've experienced but neither will it be without trials. You will face new challenges, revisit old struggles, and explore a deeper understanding of what makes you, you. From all of that, there are a few key points that I'd like to highlight. You may not believe or be able to fully understand their significance just yet, but they’re worth having somewhere in your mind.

Be like a redwood.
Tap into your amateur dendrology knowledge and remember the way that Redwood trees depend on the vast network of roots surrounding them to stay anchored in the ground. In other words, don’t go at it alone. Give others a chance to see and hear you. Let them hold hope for you, just as you will do for them. You are not excluded from asking for help.

Approach self-care as a posture rather than a task.
Although a “self-care Sunday” routine can provide a helpful structure (and also has a nice alliteration), it can also become counterproductive when you berate yourself for not “doing” enough, in quantity or quality, self-care. Instead, think of self-care as an attitude or perspective you have towards yourself. This leads into perhaps the most important thing I have learned/am learning…

Be gentle with yourself.
Give yourself the grace to do good enough. Failing to do perfect work does not equate to being a failure. You are not perfect, but you are deeply loved.

So there they are; three lessons from a year in grad school. You might be doing the polite "nod-and-smile-because-this-is-obvious" right now but tuck these away somewhere, just in case.

Choose Joy,
Your second-year self

to do (and to not do).

Quite some time ago, my sweet friend Emery suggested I read this book:

That day, I added it to my Amazon Book Wish list and then promptly forgot about it until a few weeks ago when I picked it up on sale at a little bookstore in SLO. And am I ever glad I did. 

One of the things I like most about this book is that each chapter can stand on its own, so I didn't feel overwhelmed to read all of it RIGHT NOW. I breezed through the first few chapters, pausing for some "Hmm's" and shoulder shrugs, but I got a big fat  "Oomph" to the gut when I read the following from the chapter titled, "things I don't do":

I'm a list-keeper. I always, always have a to-do list, and it ranges from the mundane: go to the dry cleaner, go to the post office, buy batteries; to the far-reaching: stop eating Henry's leftover Dino Bites, get over yourself, forgive nasty reviewer, wear more jewelry.

At one point, I kept adding to the list, more and more items, more and more sweeping in their scope, until I added this line: DO EVERYTHING BETTER. 

-Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet p. 54

Now, this chapter already packed quite a punch but it wasn't until a few nights later that I really understood how necessary it was for me to read that.

---

It started when a very tired and disoriented me had an argument with my parents about something so trivial. Feeling overwhelmed, I fled the scene to my room. There I curled up in the dark and all I could hear was the booming voice in my mind was broadcasting, "You can't do enough. You can't be enough. "

I felt sick to my stomach, like my even my body was rejecting me.
I wished I could  get up and boldly stand on the truth--that God is enough, He is more than enough. But Instead, I just cried. Mourning over something I'd never had, someone I'd never been.

And then, after quite some time of being paralyzed by the darkness, I realized I was still learning what I had been hit with over and over last week:
it's not about me.

Let me be clear in explaining that this wasn't a beautiful epiphany.
I didn't just snap out of my pitiful state, get out of bed and slap a big smile on my face.

No, it was more like my process of waking up...which is the farthest thing from immediate. (Ask ANYONE who has tried to wake me up). I have stages of waking up including resistance and grumpiness. I need time. And that's how exactly how I'm learning this whole "it's not about me" thing--slowly, with moments of resistance and grumpiness. But I have hope that I'll eventually "wake up" to the idea as I find practical, daily ways to remind myself.

Coming back to the book, Shauna explains in that chapter how and why deciding what you want your life to be about isn't the hard part, but it's deciding what you're willing to give up for those things that is "like yoga for your superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside of you who exists only for what other people think."

So, the questions I'm leaving here are:  What are the things I don't do, the things I'm giving up, so my life can be about the things I've decided it should be about? (I hope that makes sense, it's poorly worded)

And the moral of this story is, LORD, I need You.

ten and eleven. [of ten thousand]

Here we are, the end of  a wonderful weekend.

I went to a show on Friday with my [former] roomie and it was excellent. Well, the two of the three bands were excellent. The headliner, The Head and The Heart had a really great set and I found some new music to intake from the opener, Bryan John Appleby.
I've been asked before how I "get into" a band. The typical process is usually:

1. Gotta dig the sound. 
• I have a fairly wide range of genres I like, hard to describe exactly what I like and why I like it...but I know what I like.
2. Scrutinize the lyrics
• Doesn't mean I have to completely understand or interpret them, sometimes that's near impossible. (Or actually impossible...Sigur Rós...) Sometimes the lyrics just paint a brillant image. But sometimes, and best of all, lyrics speak directly to my heart. Those songs that seem to take the jumble of my thoughts and emotions and put them into a great song.
3. Get to know the people.
• Call me a creeper, but I'm definitely in the habit of wanting to get to know the people behind the music. Even if I'm not actually meeting them, I love to learn and hear the stories of the artists, especially the ones who have written songs that really spoke to me. How does their story relate to mine?

Anyway, all that to say The Head and The Heart has written a couple of necessary songs. Songs that have lyrics that hit home. I couldn't help but belt them out with the rest of the crowd. 

ten.

"you're already at home where you feel loved"

Praise God for home. 

The kind of home that is more a state of the heart rather than a physical place. I think I associate "home" with people more than I do with places. My roomie is home. The Feavers are home. The kids and families of Espaço are home. My family is home. 

"these are the places I will always go"

eleven.

"and I am on my way, I am on my way back to where I started"

Praise God for memories. 

I know it's impossible and unhealthy to pine for the past, but I do think it's important to look back every once in awhile. To see where you came from and how you got to where you stand now. To remember and not forget. Look at Israel and how they were called to remember and not forget (the Psalter alone has so many other examples of salvation-history!)   So praise God for reminding me where I was, even though it's difficult to want to remember some of the places I was. Praise God I remember what it's like to be in a place of desperation. Praise God He brought me out of that. Praise God I'm not there now. Praise God I can see the signs and little red flags and have time and energy to do something about them. 

rivers and roads

rivers and roads

rivers till I reach You.

seven and eight. [of ten thousand]

I'd be lying if I said this has gotten easier each day. Going on in faith that one day it will be easier, that it will be as natural as breathing.

seven.
Praise God for cleaning.
My car, my room, my heart. Clearing the windshield to see, making a path to walk, shining the light of truth in to expose...from quite insignificant to most important, slowly but surely I'm we're making progress.


eight.

Praise God He's patiently full of grace.

As I was reminded through the radio today, "If I'm so thankful, why do I easily forget that You died for all of this?" This is why  I have to choose daily to see and remember just how good He's been to me. And every time I forget, He just patiently and gracefully reminds me again...and again...

five. [of ten thousand]

Here I am, end of today.

Funny how ever since making the decision to be intentionally focused on finding [at least] one reason a day to praise God, the days seem to present themselves with opportunities to do the opposite. But I've got another.

five.
Praise God He knows our hearts, He knows my heart.

Today I met with the director of Friends of Portugal to discuss my role in the organization. I'm going to be doing a lot of their  administrative  work (mailing lists, newsletters, etc.) and later on outreach and "advertising" (social media presence, website maintenance, seeking out blog content). I'm so excited to be moving from the "sidelines" of supporting what FOP is doing to being "put in the game" with this opportunity to be working with everyone to help them get things done! This position combines my clerical/administrative knowledge and experience with my love for and of Portugal in an excellent way. I know I'll really have to manage my time well with my full time job, kindergarten life group and other commitments in addition to this part-time postion, but it definitely helps that this is something I'm so passionate about!

Praise God for knowing I needed a way to be connected and involved with what's going on at home and providing one that utilizes the skills I'm gaining at the job He provided for me while I'm here.

four. [of ten thousand]

Yesterday I was dead asleep before 9pm. Yesterday, and today, my heart sang His praise for rest.

four.
Praise God for rest.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

And from that, I can see I'm still learning...

two and three. [of ten thousand]

Well, it's been a tough weekend. This really is a battle.

I'm determined to keep going, to keep trying, to keep fighting.

This morning I read through the majority of my previous posts. It left me feeling pretty convicted and down. Like, who is this girl writing these words? She's trying, she's learning, she's growing. And then she stopped. I stopped. But I'm back again, willing and wanting to pick up where I left off and move onward and upward.

Anyway,I have reasons two and three to share today:

two.
He sees me, He knows me, He loves me. Specifically: I am quite thankful He put the notion in my head to start up a blog at the beginning of this year. In my first post I mentioned that this would serve as a giant post-it of sorts. I remember things much better when they're written down. Even when I don't remember them, I can look back and remember if they're written down. I forgot, but I had written it down and now I'm remembering. He sees me, He knows me, He loves me.

three.
He provides. Specifically: I have a home, a bed, a car, a plethora of clothes, a full fridge and pantry and a steady job. The essentials and then some.

This is short, but it's something.

As another wise friend once told me, deep breaths and small steps.

one. [of ten thousand]

After quite a hiatus, I am back. Back with words, words that matter.

To be completely honest, these past couple of months have been/are still difficult. There are many factors  that have contributed to that. But I'm being honest here, so I have to say, the biggest factor is...ME.

Paul sums it pretty well here:
"For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am of the flesh, sold into slavery under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me."

I've definitely been feeling overwhelmed by my sin rather than His love. It's a constant battle within myself, and some days I really don't feel like fighting it. But I have to. Why? As a wise friend told me less than an hour ago, "to give up is to give away Christ's victory."

 As a step forward in this battle I'm challenging myself, and anyone who'd like to keep me accountable or join in, to find 10,000 reasons to praise God. (yeah, I was inspired by the song)

The plan is to share at least one a day. And these are  solid, specific reasons. 

Tonight, I praise God for the friends He's put in my life to pray me through this battle. For Trav and Beth and Tom, for Anna, for Lys, for Lauren, for Marissa,  Courtney, Fran, Micaella, Kelsey, Natalie, Cynthia, Ashley, Faith, Jianni, Amanda and Krissy, for Annie, for Marisela, for Amie, for Av, for Steven, for Sarah, for Emery, for Kim and Susan, and for so many others. These encouragers and prayer warriors,these friends and givers of great hugs, these tear-driers and hand-holders...they are reminders that I am seen, I am loved and I am not fighting this alone.

"But there's one other thing I remember, 

 and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
   his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
   How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
   He's all I've got."

- Lamentations 3:21-23 

surrender.

Ever had one of those days when the strings of conviction are tugging so intently on your heart you have no choice but dropping everything and saying,

"Yes, God."

Today was that day for me.

It started this morning.
Christian was going through the promise of Jesus, explaining that He was God's intention from the beginning. God didn't choose to send Jesus after His other "attempts" to cultivate a relationship with us were "thwarted". Jesus was not the back up plan. God doesn't have those. His plans are the ones that prevail. Christian challenged us to examine ourselves, to take an honest look at what plans we are pursing--Plans B, C, D or Plan A?

As I drove home, I heard God whispering,
"Which plan are you seeking? Whose is it?"


tug, tug. 

Then tonight, I went to hear my dear friend Alyssa share about selfless service. She talked about how sometimes the best way to serve selflessly is to take a step back rather than insisting to meet every need we see. That we don't pick and choose who and when to serve, but gladly serve whoever, whenever and wherever. And that even when it doesn't make sense, we must surrender our plans to Him.

As I listened to Lys speak of how God is moving and working in her life as she surrenders her life to Him, I heard that familiar whisper again,
"Do you trust me?"


Tug, Tug.

On the car ride home, I heard TobyMac's song Me Without You. It's pretty catchy, despite being quite far from the type of music I typically listen to, but the lyrics really pulled on my heart, the final pull that brought down the wall I've built around my plans, my heart.

I'd be packing my bags when I need to stay - because I'd really like to move to Portugal NOW.
I'd be chasing every breeze that blows my way -because I'm so eager to find a way to get there.
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away - and I wonder why all my plans fail.


TUG, TUG.

I think God's leading me to read through the book of Jonah this month. I feel a bit like Jonah. God's given me a a gift, the heart for a country, but I'm insisting on using it on my own terms. I don't want to have to get swallowed by a fish to figure out that God's plan is going to prevail no matter what tricks I think I have up my sleeve.


I'm realizing that although it was most definitely God who has given me the gift of loving the people of Portugal, everything I've been doing--or trying to do--has been of my own ambition. I have created nice, neat one, two and five-year plans. I claim to be willing to be okay with "however God moves" but in my heart and mind, I've already decided the basic framework of  how and when I will serve while only saving the "nitty gritties" for God.

So today, God clearly said, No.
I don't know if this means I will never go to Portugal and live as I imagine and long to but rather learn how to better serve and love them from here. Just typing that out has me struggling to see my screen through the tears.

It's terrifying.

If I'm not leaving for Portugal in the next few years, then what am I doing!?
Why am I working at a job that has nothing to do with my major if not to pay off my loans and leave?
And WHAT do I do with the daily ache to live and serve and be in Portugal?

I. Don't. Know.

But if I'm honest, I do know that all of those questions can be summed up with one confession.

God, I'm terrified of what You will say when I lay down my plans and ideas and say yes to You.


But following God is not about the easiest, safest choice. It's about saying YES to Him.

So here's to a month of reading, listening and surrendering to the One whose plans never fail.

blank page.

I've decided it's better to wait until I have something to say than write simply to write.

I wrote that two days ago, hoping I would have find some sort of inspiration or have a grand epiphany...

nothing.

So, I reluctantly stuck to the original statement, and didn't write. I thought about not writing anything at all this week, but the thought of breaking the weekly post was so irritating.

I've got to find a balance between inspiration and discipline. 


And that's where I am right now. Trying to figure out how to be directed,intentional and genuine in the way I pursue loving God and loving others.

So far I've  found/am finding:

1. I need to keep working on being open and honest with the people in my life, specifically with those in my daily life.

2. I have to CHOOSE to TAKE the time to build relationships, with God and with others. I'm seeing that for me it's not about "making" the time, the time is there...to paint with Jesus, to pray for people when I say I will,to meet a friend for coffee, etc., etc., etc.

3. I cannot do either. I just can't. I am not wise or honest or brave or disciplined enough to figure this out on my own. God didn't intend for me to be, not without Him. So really this is about me learning to lay down my pride.


So there it is. Here is where I am. I'm still not entirely sure if this ended up being a blog post written for the sake of having a blog post for the week...




p.s. here's something I started to paint this week. You know, when I made the time...

heart check.

I kind of like writing on Sundays. Not only because it gives me a chance to reflect back on the week I just finished(I usually see my weeks as being Monday to Sunday) but because often I figure out(aka God shows me) what I should share after listening to the sermon at church.

Anyway, today it came to me when I heard Brad talk about how our behavior is an outward indicator of our inner condition, of our heart--what we believe and what we love. I saw how much of what's gone on in the past couple of weeks was the beginning of a major heart check for me.

It's getting late and I'm not sure that I'm ready to spill all the messy details of what that's looked like so far, but here's what I can say:

(Also from the sermon today) I'm seeing how individualism is an idol in my life.  Although I can talk a pretty convincing talk about the joy and benefit and calling to live in community and do life with others, if I'm honest, my heart isn't quite there and my actions prove it. Yes, I've joined a life group of peers and am leading a life group of some awesome Kindergarteners, but I know that I'm holding back and keeping a lot of my life to myself. My compulsive Darkside shows itself as I carefully decide what parts of my life are open and which doors must remain shut, locked and expertly wallpapered over. It's going to take some time for me to open those doors, but I think I can at least start on peeling off the wallpaper and acknowledge that they're there. (sorry for this analogy, but my dad is a wallcovering specialist)

Other than that, all I know is that my heart is not too healthy right now. I know I'm always going to need some kind of work and that this time of cleaning, discovering, refining and repairing has no real end. I know it's going to be painful and humbling, but I trust that it's necessary and hope for a day that I  might truly be able to understand that.

So here's to walking my talk. Letting you in to hold me to it.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from your presence,
and do not take your holy spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.

-Psalm 51:10-12

disney & roomies.

Well, I'm a couple of days late, but better late than never, right?
Tonight I just want to share how I got some perspective from a Disney movie and a former roomie.

Let's start with the Disney movie since that came first.

Pocahontas.


Hopefully you have seen this movie, or at least know the general plot line.
As I was watching the movie that I had enjoyed so much as a child, I realized how much I still really enjoy the movie. When I was younger it was the music, the characters and the fact that the bad guy isn't really too scary that drew me to the movie. This weekend it was the story.
One of the song's lyrics really stood out to me. I couldn't seem to get them out of my head.

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

I heard those lyrics and was reminded of how often we (okay, I) can be so quick to think our way, of thinking, of speaking, of living, is the best way. The only way.
How ignorant. How prideful.

The (former) roomie.
I spent the majority of the weekend with a friend/former roomie and it was simply excellent.
(for the record, I had two awesome roomies in college)

Aside from just spending some much needed (and missed) quality time together over the past couple of days, I was really inspired by her, simply being herself.
A specific instance of this genuine inspiration happened during our day in SLO on Sunday.
I took her to one of my favorite local cafes for breakfast as soon as we got into town. We enjoyed a delicious (and pretty healthy) light breakfast and then took some time to just relax and rest. (We left Fresno just before 5am, so we were pretty tired already)

While we were sitting on the comfy, worn in couch, an older gentleman struck up a conversation with us. I immediately felt awkward and let my roommate do most of the talking. During the time he was telling us about some of his experiences as movie and tv show extra, I continued to feel painfully awkward as I listened and tried to keep a polite smile on my face while nodding from time to time.  I kept thinking of ways to politely leave without being too obvious about how uncomfortable I was.

We eventually left and the day went on. we stuck gum on Bubblegum Alley, drank chocolate milk,  ate a big lunch, visited a friend, ate otter pops, watched a movie, toured Cal Poly, took a nap, ate fro yo for dinner and finally drove home.

But throughout the day and during the long, late drive home, I kept thinking about the man at the cafe. As I said, he didn't give the most reliable stories, but he did have a story. No, I did not know him. Yes, some of his stories sounded more like fiction than fact. But, so what?

So. What.

I am selfish. and sheltered. and scared. That's what.

I talk a big talk about wanting to live missonally, but I keep finding myself shying away from it being reality.  I talk about being frustrated with people who can't seem to see past the Fresno (and/or FPU) bubble, yet most nights I spend at home. In Clovis. Alone with a book.

I know being honest about all of this doesn't solve this problem, I still have to take some action.
But at least now you know.
So keep me in check, kay?

Let's take some steps, together, out of our comfy spots this week!

graça.

I've had a heavy heart today. All weekend really. I've had some excellent, tough, encouraging and emotional conversations in the past few days. I feel like there is so much I want/need to say, but I'm not really sure how to say it. I usually do better in writing than in person, so here's my attempt:

I'm sorry.
I've remembered, reflected and realized how awful I was to those who meant (and mean) so much to me. I was needy, draining and demanding. I was selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful. I think I had a small idea of what I was doing to my friends who loved me so well, but I am now starting to realize how deeply I hurt them. Even now, I am sure I don't know the whole of the pain, grief, despair, worry and hopelessness I brought to their lives. For this, all I can think to say is, I'm sorry.

Thank  you.
Despite all the things I did, the way I acted and the things I  said, you still loved me. You walked alongside when you could. You watched and prayed fervently when you couldn't. You cared about me, and you didn't let me forget it. You helped me to remember that it mattered that I was here. For this, I hope you know I am forever grateful and I want to say, Thank you.

Ultimately I want to say,
Praise the LORD.
I know that it is because He loved us first, that I was (and am) loved so  by the people in my life. It is encouraging and extremely overwhelming to know that I have people in my life that demonstrate genuinely love as they know and experience from Love. I am so unworthy, but yet I am loved so deeply. And as amazing as the people in my life are, it's not them. It's God. I am overwhelmed as I think of all the love and friendship and community that I have experienced and filled with joyful encouragement

THIS IS THE CHURCH.
Loving God, loving others. What more is there?


I apologize if this is kind of a downer post. It's not meant to be. In fact, I hope for the exact opposite! I have undoubtedly been humbled and overwhelmed by grace this weekend, but how sweet it is.

Words cannot express how thankful I am that He and you never let go.