clean up, aisle 4.

Caution: Word Vomit ahead.
You've been warned.


Have you ever had the feeling that something big is about to happen? Like in a movie, when the dramatic music starts building up and if you're me, you clutch the pillow beside you and brace yourself for the chaos but secretly hope that it's just a false alarm.

Okay, maybe that really is just me. But in any case, the music is playing in my head...and I just have this feeling that God's doing something in my heart, something big.

Where to begin? Let's start with the known. I think I remember learning that's what you're supposed to start with in problem solving. So, here's what I know:
I miss the community and culture of Massamá, Portugal on a daily basis.
God has done, is doing and will do some amazing things in and through Espaço Vida Nova. I want to be apart of that.
God has done, is doing and will do some amazing things in and through The Well. I love doing life with the girls and kindergartners in my Life Groups. I want to be apart of that.

Now for the unknown, the question(s)
Am I getting too comfortable here? Am I "settling in"? Am I supposed to?
Can "home" be in Clovis and Massamá?
What would it look like for me to love two places?Won't l I always be pining for one or the other, a constant "the grass is always greener" feeling?

[Okay,  these questions sound a bit ridiculous, like I'm trying to sort out a weird love triangle or something... ]

As I mentioned last time, I've been trying to come up with a mission statement--what I'm doing with my life. One of the phrases that lingers in that brainstorm is "sustainable relationships".
Relationships built with others that are founded and grown in Christ. Relationships that can withstand time, distance and life. Relationships that hold not I, but Christ, as the vital element. Is that what I'm doing in Fresno? Are those the kinds of relationships I'm developing? Will I be able to do that in Massamá too?

I don't think I'm going to get any further going on like this, but I figured it was better to get it out ask for help sorting through it. Anyway, sorry for the chaos...

sempre em frente.

I was inspired today.

This afternoon I had a chance to share tea and conversation with my dear friend Alyssa. I feel we've been so blessed to share similar "heart-stirrings" for people and places that are so far from  those that we grew up calling "home"--Espaço in Massamá for me and The Imara Health Clinic in Kenya for her. After five years of living in different cities/states/countries, it has been/is truly a blessing to have such a genuine friendship.

As we spent the afternoon catching up, sharing both joys and challenges we've encountered, I realized something really important...


It may not be easy to carry out the call that God's put on our lives, in fact it has potential to be downright difficult. I know I may come across seemingly impossible obstacles and will not get to take the "easy way out". I am not under the impression that the grass in Portugal will be greener and life will be without oppression or hardship, I know life there will come with its own challenges.

But, regardless of what obstacles I'm facing now or which ones are still yet to come, I'm called to love God and love others and for me,  the Portuguese are a specific people God's placed on my heart to love.

I don't know why and I can't explain it, all I know is that after five years of daily thinking and praying for them and almost weekly weeping in homesickness, I can't deny that God's going to bring me back there. And because of that, I should not, could not, would not give up pursuing God's plans. (Sorry for the Dr.Suess-esque phrasing)

When you're giving or getting directions in Portugese, you say, "sempre em frente" to communicate that one should go straight. If you break apart this phrase it reads, "always in front". I love this. In order to stay straight on the path God's calling us to, we have to keep Him in front of us always---our number one priority.

So I head to bed in peace tonight as I cling to the hope that although I face obstacles, He has overcome!

eavesdropping

I've been really into stories lately. Life stories. You can kind of see it in the past couple weeks' blog posts.

I've been asked to share a story of my own for the Friends of Portugal blog.
(For those of you who don't know what that is or are wondering what me moving back to Portugal might look like check it out here.)

Anyway, I've been really excited to be apart of what FOP is doing and to be able to be a part of it all, but I was really struggling to give my story words.  And then, it just kind of happened. God's timing is impecable.Today, when PJ was speaking, I heard these words and knew how to tell my story...

"It's not what you know, but who you love."


When I was eighteen, a month after I graduated from high school, I and a team of three other ladies moved to Massamá, Portugal to work with the Espaço Vida Nova Church there. We were there ten months, living, learning and serving. I think I must have had some idea when I left my California hometown that this "trip" was something special, but in a lot of ways I feel that I am still discovering just how instrumental those ten months of my life were.

During our time there, I spent a lot of time hanging out with kids. I came with several years of experience working with kids in a variety of settings, so it was just a natural fit. There were three kids in particular that I spent time with: Joe, Mary and Harvey*. These were my three faithful attendees of any and everything that I did at Espaço. Sunday school, Saturday kids' club, changing the window display, sweeping the floor, you name it. If we were there, they were there.

When I work with kids, I sometimes wonder how much they're really taking in.  Are they really listening to this story or are they just interested in the awesome flannelgraph? Are they memorizing a Bible verse or just coloring a photocopied page? Are they learning what it means to live and love as a community or just concerned with winning the wacky relay race? (Present day me would like to just answer "Yes!" to all of the questions above by the way...) In all honesty, I felt this way, this doubt and uncertainty, for a large portion of my time in Massamá.

Did it matter? Was anything I was doing going to make a difference? Would these kids even consider anything I said in my broken, limited Portugese to be true?

Then, one Sunday near the end of our time there, all of those doubts and worries were silenced by an overheard conversation.

That Sunday, Marjorie taught her class (really just the table of the older kids that was next to mine of the younger) about Heaven. They talked about what it was like and that it was where Jesus was. After the service, while I was cleaning up, I saw that Marjorie was talking with Harvey. I continued to pick up the scraps of paper and stray crayons from my lesson while I watched them pray together. After they prayed Marjorie asked Harvey,

"So, do you know where Jesus is now?" 

He looked at her with this incredulous look expressing a sort of "DUH!" as he replied,  

"We just talked about that today, He lives in Heaven, remember?" 

Marjorie waited for a moment, and then I saw it. His little face lit up and a giant smile spread across his face and he pointed to his heart,  

"HERE! He is lives here now too!"

And that's when I knew. I was brought to Portugal not solely to plan lessons and relay races and create window displays, but to spend ten months with these three kids, to overhear that conversation and to see that expression of pure, genuine joy.

As I said before, I don't think I fully knew what ten months in Portugal would mean for me when I left, and I'm still finding ways that it has impacted my life that I didn't see before. But without a doubt, I came to Portugal and fell in love. I fell in love with a culture that values family and traditions and history. I fell lin love with the beautiful parks and old castles and cafes at every corner. And I fell in love with the people who live there. I may not know everything about Portugal, I'm still learning and have much more to learn, but I love Portugal. I think that's a good place to start.

*Names have been changed

disney & roomies.

Well, I'm a couple of days late, but better late than never, right?
Tonight I just want to share how I got some perspective from a Disney movie and a former roomie.

Let's start with the Disney movie since that came first.

Pocahontas.


Hopefully you have seen this movie, or at least know the general plot line.
As I was watching the movie that I had enjoyed so much as a child, I realized how much I still really enjoy the movie. When I was younger it was the music, the characters and the fact that the bad guy isn't really too scary that drew me to the movie. This weekend it was the story.
One of the song's lyrics really stood out to me. I couldn't seem to get them out of my head.

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

I heard those lyrics and was reminded of how often we (okay, I) can be so quick to think our way, of thinking, of speaking, of living, is the best way. The only way.
How ignorant. How prideful.

The (former) roomie.
I spent the majority of the weekend with a friend/former roomie and it was simply excellent.
(for the record, I had two awesome roomies in college)

Aside from just spending some much needed (and missed) quality time together over the past couple of days, I was really inspired by her, simply being herself.
A specific instance of this genuine inspiration happened during our day in SLO on Sunday.
I took her to one of my favorite local cafes for breakfast as soon as we got into town. We enjoyed a delicious (and pretty healthy) light breakfast and then took some time to just relax and rest. (We left Fresno just before 5am, so we were pretty tired already)

While we were sitting on the comfy, worn in couch, an older gentleman struck up a conversation with us. I immediately felt awkward and let my roommate do most of the talking. During the time he was telling us about some of his experiences as movie and tv show extra, I continued to feel painfully awkward as I listened and tried to keep a polite smile on my face while nodding from time to time.  I kept thinking of ways to politely leave without being too obvious about how uncomfortable I was.

We eventually left and the day went on. we stuck gum on Bubblegum Alley, drank chocolate milk,  ate a big lunch, visited a friend, ate otter pops, watched a movie, toured Cal Poly, took a nap, ate fro yo for dinner and finally drove home.

But throughout the day and during the long, late drive home, I kept thinking about the man at the cafe. As I said, he didn't give the most reliable stories, but he did have a story. No, I did not know him. Yes, some of his stories sounded more like fiction than fact. But, so what?

So. What.

I am selfish. and sheltered. and scared. That's what.

I talk a big talk about wanting to live missonally, but I keep finding myself shying away from it being reality.  I talk about being frustrated with people who can't seem to see past the Fresno (and/or FPU) bubble, yet most nights I spend at home. In Clovis. Alone with a book.

I know being honest about all of this doesn't solve this problem, I still have to take some action.
But at least now you know.
So keep me in check, kay?

Let's take some steps, together, out of our comfy spots this week!

graça.

I've had a heavy heart today. All weekend really. I've had some excellent, tough, encouraging and emotional conversations in the past few days. I feel like there is so much I want/need to say, but I'm not really sure how to say it. I usually do better in writing than in person, so here's my attempt:

I'm sorry.
I've remembered, reflected and realized how awful I was to those who meant (and mean) so much to me. I was needy, draining and demanding. I was selfish, inconsiderate and hurtful. I think I had a small idea of what I was doing to my friends who loved me so well, but I am now starting to realize how deeply I hurt them. Even now, I am sure I don't know the whole of the pain, grief, despair, worry and hopelessness I brought to their lives. For this, all I can think to say is, I'm sorry.

Thank  you.
Despite all the things I did, the way I acted and the things I  said, you still loved me. You walked alongside when you could. You watched and prayed fervently when you couldn't. You cared about me, and you didn't let me forget it. You helped me to remember that it mattered that I was here. For this, I hope you know I am forever grateful and I want to say, Thank you.

Ultimately I want to say,
Praise the LORD.
I know that it is because He loved us first, that I was (and am) loved so  by the people in my life. It is encouraging and extremely overwhelming to know that I have people in my life that demonstrate genuinely love as they know and experience from Love. I am so unworthy, but yet I am loved so deeply. And as amazing as the people in my life are, it's not them. It's God. I am overwhelmed as I think of all the love and friendship and community that I have experienced and filled with joyful encouragement

THIS IS THE CHURCH.
Loving God, loving others. What more is there?


I apologize if this is kind of a downer post. It's not meant to be. In fact, I hope for the exact opposite! I have undoubtedly been humbled and overwhelmed by grace this weekend, but how sweet it is.

Words cannot express how thankful I am that He and you never let go. 

new. novo. nouveau. νέος.

I debated whether I should give into my compulsive darkside and start posting on this blog today and risk this being labeled as cliché and unoriginal ("New year, new blog...blah blah blah") or if I should/could/would be oh so daring and wait until tomorrow...

Obviously the darkside won this time.

Anyway, I just felt that I should have a more "grown-up" blog. I guess I've legally been a "grown-up" for several years now, but graduating from university and starting a full-time job (Praise the Lord x2!) had made me feel like it's a bit more official...or something. Hah, I'm still working on it but I figured it could be beneficial to share my thoughts, questions and experiences along the way.

So like I mentioned, I graduated from Fresno Pacific University with my B.A. in Biblical Studies in December. And to answer the most popular question, I'm not entirely sure what I am going to do with that degree. I can tell you that I absolutely loved the classes that challenged me to genuinely claim my faith--knowing both what I believed and why I believed it. I also feel like I have SO much left to learn, but I don't think that's too bad of a place to be. 


I also started working full time as an administrative assistant at a CPA firm. Can I just say, God is SO good! I not only got an interview for a job that had received around 500 hits (they posted it on Craigslist) but I was offered the job at the end of the interview, giving me a job BEFORE I had even graduated. Networking is key, y'all. 


My goal is to stay at home (saving $500-600 on rent and groceries) while I work and put as much money as possible towards paying off my student loans and be out of debt and preparing to go back to Massamá in five years. Not entirely sure how realistic that is yet, but I can't imagine staying here for a decade still in debt. I have been challenged to live out what I spent the last semester researching and writing about...living missionally every day, everywhere. The Espaço Vida Nova community is constantly on my mind, but the Church is here too and I am looking forward to engaging in the work God is doing in Fresno.


Okay, this is quite long...there are other thoughts I had to share, but I'll save them for another time. Sorry this isn't a cool traveling blog (at the moment) buuut you don't have to go anywhere to be a missionary. ;)




p.s. if you were wondering about the title of the blog...

"Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can't even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don't fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself." - Luke 12:25-32 (The Message)