clean up, aisle 4.

Caution: Word Vomit ahead.
You've been warned.


Have you ever had the feeling that something big is about to happen? Like in a movie, when the dramatic music starts building up and if you're me, you clutch the pillow beside you and brace yourself for the chaos but secretly hope that it's just a false alarm.

Okay, maybe that really is just me. But in any case, the music is playing in my head...and I just have this feeling that God's doing something in my heart, something big.

Where to begin? Let's start with the known. I think I remember learning that's what you're supposed to start with in problem solving. So, here's what I know:
I miss the community and culture of Massamá, Portugal on a daily basis.
God has done, is doing and will do some amazing things in and through Espaço Vida Nova. I want to be apart of that.
God has done, is doing and will do some amazing things in and through The Well. I love doing life with the girls and kindergartners in my Life Groups. I want to be apart of that.

Now for the unknown, the question(s)
Am I getting too comfortable here? Am I "settling in"? Am I supposed to?
Can "home" be in Clovis and Massamá?
What would it look like for me to love two places?Won't l I always be pining for one or the other, a constant "the grass is always greener" feeling?

[Okay,  these questions sound a bit ridiculous, like I'm trying to sort out a weird love triangle or something... ]

As I mentioned last time, I've been trying to come up with a mission statement--what I'm doing with my life. One of the phrases that lingers in that brainstorm is "sustainable relationships".
Relationships built with others that are founded and grown in Christ. Relationships that can withstand time, distance and life. Relationships that hold not I, but Christ, as the vital element. Is that what I'm doing in Fresno? Are those the kinds of relationships I'm developing? Will I be able to do that in Massamá too?

I don't think I'm going to get any further going on like this, but I figured it was better to get it out ask for help sorting through it. Anyway, sorry for the chaos...

behind the music.

 Apparently being out of town on a Sunday means blogging get pushed back to the middle of the week...

"Where words fail, music speaks." - H.C. Andersen

There's just something about words that are put to music that speak so much deeper into my soul than words by themselves.

I went to a concert on Sunday. That's not really big news, as most who know me know.
It was a Bon Iver concert. That IS big news. He's been on my list for a while now.

It was...
beautiful, visually (outside.Santa Barbara.stage design.lights.) and aurally, and cathartic.

I sat alone--well, alone while surrounded by strangers--and let the music and voice of Justin DeYarmond Edison Vernon (isn't that a fantastic name?) wash over me.

There's something about hearing a favorite song played live that makes me love it all the more.
Especially when it's prefaced with a bit of insight from the artist himself:

"Life is weird. *chuckles* Like how the hell'd we get here? But we're here. And it's weird. This is a song about that.  'Coz , sometimes it's unclear when shit's supposed to be good when it's bad."

Mister Vernon then proceded to play re: stacks, arguably my favorite song. Definitely in the top three.

What I'm trying to say is that as much as I love the song and find meaning in it for myself, it means so much more to Justin himself because he wrote it. It's his. His introduction was just a small glance into the story behind the words. [here's more on that song and others of his...]

That's what I love. That's what speaks to me in music. The story. The thoughts, emotions, joy, pain,  hurt and healing that prompt writing and are poured into the delivery.

Another example:
I have a friend who writes songs. He wrote one about one of the worst panic attack I had that he was present to help me through. The experience itself was awful. Terrifying. Dark.  Powerful.
The song that came out of it is simply perfect. It's an excellent song on its own, but for me, and my friend and maybe even for those who really saw where I was during the years I really struggled with depression and anxiety, it meant so much more.

I guess the point in writing all of this is to acknowledge:
1. We all have a story to tell
and
2. Words don't say everything, although they do say a lot

So...let's listen to each other this week. Let's take the time to find and listen to
the story behind the words

disney & roomies.

Well, I'm a couple of days late, but better late than never, right?
Tonight I just want to share how I got some perspective from a Disney movie and a former roomie.

Let's start with the Disney movie since that came first.

Pocahontas.


Hopefully you have seen this movie, or at least know the general plot line.
As I was watching the movie that I had enjoyed so much as a child, I realized how much I still really enjoy the movie. When I was younger it was the music, the characters and the fact that the bad guy isn't really too scary that drew me to the movie. This weekend it was the story.
One of the song's lyrics really stood out to me. I couldn't seem to get them out of my head.

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

I heard those lyrics and was reminded of how often we (okay, I) can be so quick to think our way, of thinking, of speaking, of living, is the best way. The only way.
How ignorant. How prideful.

The (former) roomie.
I spent the majority of the weekend with a friend/former roomie and it was simply excellent.
(for the record, I had two awesome roomies in college)

Aside from just spending some much needed (and missed) quality time together over the past couple of days, I was really inspired by her, simply being herself.
A specific instance of this genuine inspiration happened during our day in SLO on Sunday.
I took her to one of my favorite local cafes for breakfast as soon as we got into town. We enjoyed a delicious (and pretty healthy) light breakfast and then took some time to just relax and rest. (We left Fresno just before 5am, so we were pretty tired already)

While we were sitting on the comfy, worn in couch, an older gentleman struck up a conversation with us. I immediately felt awkward and let my roommate do most of the talking. During the time he was telling us about some of his experiences as movie and tv show extra, I continued to feel painfully awkward as I listened and tried to keep a polite smile on my face while nodding from time to time.  I kept thinking of ways to politely leave without being too obvious about how uncomfortable I was.

We eventually left and the day went on. we stuck gum on Bubblegum Alley, drank chocolate milk,  ate a big lunch, visited a friend, ate otter pops, watched a movie, toured Cal Poly, took a nap, ate fro yo for dinner and finally drove home.

But throughout the day and during the long, late drive home, I kept thinking about the man at the cafe. As I said, he didn't give the most reliable stories, but he did have a story. No, I did not know him. Yes, some of his stories sounded more like fiction than fact. But, so what?

So. What.

I am selfish. and sheltered. and scared. That's what.

I talk a big talk about wanting to live missonally, but I keep finding myself shying away from it being reality.  I talk about being frustrated with people who can't seem to see past the Fresno (and/or FPU) bubble, yet most nights I spend at home. In Clovis. Alone with a book.

I know being honest about all of this doesn't solve this problem, I still have to take some action.
But at least now you know.
So keep me in check, kay?

Let's take some steps, together, out of our comfy spots this week!

airplanes and earth.

I love to travel.


I especially love traveling when it includes taking an airplane. There's just something about being up in the sky, looking out the window at the pillows of clouds and the patchwork quilt that is the Earth that is so...exhilarating.awe-inspiring.peaceful.

In an airplane, I can see for miles. In an airplane, I can take in the map of the land. In an airplane, I can see the big picture. 

This is a valuable view, one I don't often get. You see, I live on the ground. I am surrounded by the present. On the ground, I often forget that there is more to the picture than what I see in front of me.

However, on the ground, I can see the cracks in the road and the needles on the pines. On the ground, I can see the smiles and tears on the faces of those I love. On the ground, I can see the details. 

Therefore, this is also a valuable view.

The problem I face is finding the balance between the two.
Spend too much time in an airplane, and I begin to think I know best, that I have control. I am soon selfish.

Spend too much time on the ground, and I begin to think everything is limited to the here and the now, that I am stuck. I am soon overwhelmed.


I am constantly finding myself struggling to find the middle space. I'm not sure what that looks like exactly. Well actually, maybe do. I think it'll be orange.
(it's okay if you don't get that part.)


Anyone else feel like they're stuck in an airplane or a car? If yes, praise God! We are not alone in this. :)


¡Vaya con Dios!