yet.

Last week I opened a large, flat envelope at my parents’ house to find my diploma from Fuller. A couple of weeks ago, I had seen some excited and celebratory posts from some of my classmates who had received theirs, which made me anxious to see my own. However, when I opened that envelope and carefully removed the piece of paper confirming the completion of my master’s degree, I cried — not tears of joy or gratitude (I feel guilty just typing that out) but tears of grief, frustration, and shame.

Because in that moment, that piece of paper did not represent the time, work, growth, and discovery of the past two years. It represented unrealized plans, unmet expectations — my failure. It held all of the shame, anxiety, and anguish of the decision to leave the MS MFT program and switch to an MA degree in family studies — a degree that I had not planned to get nor had a clear picture of how to use. It amplified the unknown and the uncertainty of the past two months of being back in Fresno.

I know my last posts present the opposing and perhaps more rational and reasonable perspectives: the hope found in the unknown, the peace from “just enough light,” and the constant learning process of freely accepting grace. I still believe those are true and valid. They are what I strive for. However, it also feels important to share this true and valid part of my story, because while there is hope in what’s to come, there are also feelings of loss and grief from what I let go, from what could have been.

While I realize that personality categorizations and assessments, especially when self-assessed, should be taken with a grain of salt, I have found learning about the Enneagram to be a helpful and healing resource in this season. David Daniels and Virginia Price’s description of the Type One in The Essential Enneagram is overwhelmingly relatable.

Reading this made sense of the tearful reaction to my diploma. It explained the shaming inner monologue that keeps making an appearance in my mind:

“I’ve been back in Fresno for just over two months. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any actionable ideas of how I want to use my degree or pursue involvement in member care. I don’t have our apartment fully unpacked or decorated. We haven’t joined a church community.”

And it’s helping me to add a little word to the end of each of those sentences: Yet.

I don’t have a job yet. I don’t have any actionable ideas of how I want to use my degree or pursue involvement in member care yet. I don’t have our apartment fully unpacked or decorated yet. We haven’t joined a church community yet.

What a difference that little three-letter word can make.

Predictably, Nouwen again has words to encourage and challenge me. This time from Can You Drink the Cup?:

We have to live our life, not someone else’s. We have to hold our own cup. We have to dare to say: “This is my life, the life that is given to me, and it is this life that I have to live, as well as I can. My life is unique. Nobody else will ever live it. I have my own history, my own family, my own body, my own character, my own friends, my own way of thinking, speaking, and acting—yes, I have my own life to live. No one else has the same challenge. I am alone, because I am unique. Many people can help me to live my life, but after all is said and done, I have to make my own choices about how to live.”

Finding hope in the “yet,”

Kate

begin again

It has been almost two years since I last wrote something in this space. That's a lot of life—ups, downs, and moving arounds. Even now, I'm in an interesting place, though not a totally foreign one. It's a place of ending and beginning, losing and gaining, fear and excitement. It's the coming and going of seasons.

I am heading into my last week of working with Aplos after three and a half years. It has been such a fun ride and I am sad it's coming to an end. I have worked for the best boss, with the best people, and that has made all the difference. I got connected with Aplos by a friend who knew I was desperate to leave the place I was in, but I could never have imaged how much better it would be. Since we were still a smaller startup when I joined there was flexibility for me to find what role fit me best, which ended up being customer support. Yeah, talking on the phone all day was surprisingly the best fit for me. (Sorry to all of you whom I've had awkward phone calls with—not even my husband is exempt from those. This really has been the only environment where I am not as awkward to talk to on the phone.) This season has been full of surprises and unexpected joys. I have been stretched and challenged and encouraged to keep growing, all while quoting Arrested Development daily and eating Chipotle on Wednesdays. I have learned the difference between cash and accrual reporting, about debits and credits for different types of accounts, and that eating a whole Costco chicken bake so I that can go "to the field!" is worth the stomach ache. I have met friends who will be stuck with me long after my last day. Leaving is held with feelings of sadness, nostalgia, and fear that can come with an ending. The overarching feeling, though, is thankfulness. Let's not overlook that. Oh, how thankful I am.

After this week, Sam and I will be headed off to Northern California to visit our ninth and tenth national parks: Lassen and Redwood. I see this as my transition time—something else I am so thankful to have since I know we do not always have that luxury. It is also, of course, a chance to celebrate that we have been married for two years, which seem to have flown by and at the same time it feels like we have been doing this for much longer in the best way.

Once we return to Pasadena, I will head into orientation, welcome week, and all of the other going back to school things. Aside from the handful of prerequisite classes I took online through a community college, it has been almost five years since I was last in school. That really feels like a long time ago. I am hoping that I quickly settle into the new but not so unfamiliar rhythm of being a student. I'm also a wife, which is new this time around. I am thankful for a husband who has supported and encouraged me to go back to school without hesitation from the very beginning. I am thankful for, albeit still working on graciously and humbly accepting, his willingness to "switch roles" so that I can be a full-time student and not have to balance a job of my own.

Sometimes I fear that I won't be able to bring enough to the table. If I am not working and have a schedule filled with classes and training and small groups, what will I have to give? There are times I feel myself heading towards the spiral of anxiety in the midst of this new and exciting next season, which is just frustrating, honestly. I have found Herni Nouwen to be a source of great encouragement over the years and once again he brings a refreshing reminder about what to do when the red flags and flashing lights of this anxiety spiral start to grow:

Perhaps the challenge of the gospel lies precisely in the invitation to accept a gift for which we can give nothing in return. For the gift is the life breath of God himself, the Spirit who is poured out on us through Jesus Christ. The life breath frees us from fear and gives us new room to live. A man who prayerfully goes about his life is constantly ready to receive the breath of God, and to let his life be renewed and expanded. The man who never prays, on the contrary, is like the child with asthma; because he is short of breath, the whole world shrivels up before him. He creeps in a corner gasping for air, and is virtually in agony. But the man who prays opens himself to God and can freely breathe again. He stands upright, stretches out his hands and comes out of his corner, free to boldly stride through the world because he can live without fear. (Henri Nouwen, With Open Hands, p. 64., emphasis added.)

So I am reminded that it is important for me to be willing to bring myself to the table, just as I am. I work on practicing what I preach about self-care and the great thing it is to allow others to help you in that. This is the beginning of much more than a graduate program, it is the beginning of a new season. One of trusting, hoping, humbling, and much more learning. I head into these next few weeks of transition, of endings and beginnings, and all that is in between with my hands open and eyes fixed above.

valentine.

I've held off posting this because I wanted to have the opportunity to share the news personally (in person, on the phone) but I wrote this on Friday night, well technically early Saturday morning...


Today will forever be one of the greatest days of my life.

Today was Valentine's day. I have never really been a fan of this day, all of the  pressure for grand gestures and overpriced purchases to tell your love for others on this one day. Still, today was an excellent day.

Can I briefly back up to yesterday? Just yesterday night. Last night the following text conversation happened:

My best friend drove out to my house, brought me a flower and admired the moon with me for a few minutes. A flower on a day that's not Valentine's day--such a great gift.

Okay, back to today. Since I'm a list person, here's my list of what made today so excellent:

Today, my best friend started my day off with a quote from one of my favorite little books, The Little Prince.
Today, my best friend and I dressed up really nice.
Today, my best friend and I ate panang chicken and it was delicious.
Today, my best friend and I shared a pot of lavender cream earl grey while watching Downton Abbey.
Today, my best friend and I came back to his apartment complex to find my car had been towed. Note, this was excellent because a) it wasn't stolen b) nothing valuable was inside and c)...
Today, my best friend took a "detour" on our way to take me home.
Today, my best friend and I took off our shoes and walked around the place where we met, were declared to be BFFs (by me), took classes together, got to know each other, first liked each other (without the others' knowledge): Fresno Pacific University.
Today, my best friend told me he loved me. (and I told him I loved him)
Today, my best friend asked me to marry him. (and I said yes)

I really don't think it's fully sunk in yet...
that I get to spend the rest of my life, whatever that might entail, with my best friend.
I am humbled to be given such a wonderful gift.
Our prayer is that we will be able to serve the Kingdom better together than we would be able to apart and that our relationship would bring glory and bear witness to our gracious God.

enjoying now.

It's that time. New year, new outlook, new goals...new blog post. I can hardly believe I started this blog two years ago. I didn't turn out to be the most consistent of writers, but I'm glad I've at least written as much as I did.

Two years ago.
I was recently graduated from college and about a month into my first full-time,"grown up" job.  I had student loans looming and a heart pining to be anywhere but where I was...mostly for Portugal. I remembering  feeling (and often complaining) that I was in an awkward limbo place life--finished with one chapter, but not allowed to move on to the next.

Two years later, I must say...I was wrong. Lots of life happened during this so-called limbo time. By the grace of God, my student loans were paid off. I learned a little about designing and coding and a lot about what kind of work environment I want (or don't want) to work in. I met some new friends and became closer to others. One in particular being my self-appointed "BFF"(a story worth sharing...someday) who has truly become my best friend. I started a different job and was given the honor of helping out two non-profits run by people near and dear to my heart. I became an aunt to another niece and found out that there will be three more lovies coming this Spring. There's so much more that's happened, but the point is...the past two years have not been empty. They have not been simply for waiting, although there was definitely some waiting...but isn't there always?

Sometimes there are clear beginnings and ends to the chapters in your life, but I'm finding that more often than that, you're in the middle of the next chapter before you even realize it's begun. I've got a couple of practical New Years resolutions written down (in a list with checkboxes) but I think that one thing I really want to focus on is the NOW. I can get so carried away with planning and thinking about the future or longing for what used to be that I dismiss the life space I'm in now as insignificant. It's not until I take the time to pause and look around that I can see how very significant now is.

I realize this epiphany of mine is neither original nor deeply profound, but I hope it encourages someone as it has encouraged me.

Happy New Year!

Just because I never tire of this view, from our most recent trip to Yosemite.

starting on Someday.

It wasn't too long after I started college that I knew I wanted to work in missionary/member care. Through conversations with missionaries I served with and my own experiences with re-entry and debriefing, I saw a need for a holistic approach to the way we take care of the Body—and I wanted to be a part of meeting that need.  Throughout my time in college missionary care remained something I hoped I'd get to be a part of...someday.  Someday, when I've finished college. Someday when I've had more experience. Someday when I'm better equipped.

Someday, someday someday...

During my final semester of college I realized that I didn't know what master's degree I would or should pursue or if I even wanted/needed another degree. The thought of going into more debt, investing more time and money on something that I didn't know if I wanted or needed seemed unwise. 

So, I didn't. I was blessed to find a job before I even graduated and started a week after that. It wasn't what I wanted to do forever, definitely not a career I wanted to build my life around, but I was working full time—a cherished gift for a recent college grad.

But even though this job allowed me to pay off my student loans and start saving a bit of money, the yearning for Someday remained. I still didn't know how to get there, so I just kept working and waiting for Someday to show up.

A few weeks ago I had a chance to catch up with two dear friends (who also happen to be two of the ladies I lived with in Portugal).  I always leave feeling encouraged, inspired, loved and full of potential after spending time with these two. They both just have a gentle and genuine way of reminding me of who I am in Christ and how they see Him working in my life. During this conversation, I was asked about my passion/dream for missionary care and what I was doing to make that happen. I sputtered out some roundabout response about not knowing how to go about it or where to even start and all the unknowns and questions when my dear friend reminded me,

"The beauty is, you only have to make one decision at a time"

So, I've decided to start being proactive about figuring out what it would like for me to serve in missionary care. I've started researching schools, even went to visit one last month! (Arguably) More importantly, I'm having conversations with lots of people. People who I respect and look up to as mentors and friends. People who have the degrees I'm considering. People who have a heart for missionaries and the Church and taking care of other people.

I'm not at Someday yet, but I'm starting to look for ways to get there.

here we go.

five. [of ten thousand]

Here I am, end of today.

Funny how ever since making the decision to be intentionally focused on finding [at least] one reason a day to praise God, the days seem to present themselves with opportunities to do the opposite. But I've got another.

five.
Praise God He knows our hearts, He knows my heart.

Today I met with the director of Friends of Portugal to discuss my role in the organization. I'm going to be doing a lot of their  administrative  work (mailing lists, newsletters, etc.) and later on outreach and "advertising" (social media presence, website maintenance, seeking out blog content). I'm so excited to be moving from the "sidelines" of supporting what FOP is doing to being "put in the game" with this opportunity to be working with everyone to help them get things done! This position combines my clerical/administrative knowledge and experience with my love for and of Portugal in an excellent way. I know I'll really have to manage my time well with my full time job, kindergarten life group and other commitments in addition to this part-time postion, but it definitely helps that this is something I'm so passionate about!

Praise God for knowing I needed a way to be connected and involved with what's going on at home and providing one that utilizes the skills I'm gaining at the job He provided for me while I'm here.

clean up, aisle 4.

Caution: Word Vomit ahead.
You've been warned.


Have you ever had the feeling that something big is about to happen? Like in a movie, when the dramatic music starts building up and if you're me, you clutch the pillow beside you and brace yourself for the chaos but secretly hope that it's just a false alarm.

Okay, maybe that really is just me. But in any case, the music is playing in my head...and I just have this feeling that God's doing something in my heart, something big.

Where to begin? Let's start with the known. I think I remember learning that's what you're supposed to start with in problem solving. So, here's what I know:
I miss the community and culture of Massamá, Portugal on a daily basis.
God has done, is doing and will do some amazing things in and through Espaço Vida Nova. I want to be apart of that.
God has done, is doing and will do some amazing things in and through The Well. I love doing life with the girls and kindergartners in my Life Groups. I want to be apart of that.

Now for the unknown, the question(s)
Am I getting too comfortable here? Am I "settling in"? Am I supposed to?
Can "home" be in Clovis and Massamá?
What would it look like for me to love two places?Won't l I always be pining for one or the other, a constant "the grass is always greener" feeling?

[Okay,  these questions sound a bit ridiculous, like I'm trying to sort out a weird love triangle or something... ]

As I mentioned last time, I've been trying to come up with a mission statement--what I'm doing with my life. One of the phrases that lingers in that brainstorm is "sustainable relationships".
Relationships built with others that are founded and grown in Christ. Relationships that can withstand time, distance and life. Relationships that hold not I, but Christ, as the vital element. Is that what I'm doing in Fresno? Are those the kinds of relationships I'm developing? Will I be able to do that in Massamá too?

I don't think I'm going to get any further going on like this, but I figured it was better to get it out ask for help sorting through it. Anyway, sorry for the chaos...

work in progress.

I'll have more to share very soon, but for now...a preview of my brainstorm for a personal mission statement:

surrender.

Ever had one of those days when the strings of conviction are tugging so intently on your heart you have no choice but dropping everything and saying,

"Yes, God."

Today was that day for me.

It started this morning.
Christian was going through the promise of Jesus, explaining that He was God's intention from the beginning. God didn't choose to send Jesus after His other "attempts" to cultivate a relationship with us were "thwarted". Jesus was not the back up plan. God doesn't have those. His plans are the ones that prevail. Christian challenged us to examine ourselves, to take an honest look at what plans we are pursing--Plans B, C, D or Plan A?

As I drove home, I heard God whispering,
"Which plan are you seeking? Whose is it?"


tug, tug. 

Then tonight, I went to hear my dear friend Alyssa share about selfless service. She talked about how sometimes the best way to serve selflessly is to take a step back rather than insisting to meet every need we see. That we don't pick and choose who and when to serve, but gladly serve whoever, whenever and wherever. And that even when it doesn't make sense, we must surrender our plans to Him.

As I listened to Lys speak of how God is moving and working in her life as she surrenders her life to Him, I heard that familiar whisper again,
"Do you trust me?"


Tug, Tug.

On the car ride home, I heard TobyMac's song Me Without You. It's pretty catchy, despite being quite far from the type of music I typically listen to, but the lyrics really pulled on my heart, the final pull that brought down the wall I've built around my plans, my heart.

I'd be packing my bags when I need to stay - because I'd really like to move to Portugal NOW.
I'd be chasing every breeze that blows my way -because I'm so eager to find a way to get there.
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away - and I wonder why all my plans fail.


TUG, TUG.

I think God's leading me to read through the book of Jonah this month. I feel a bit like Jonah. God's given me a a gift, the heart for a country, but I'm insisting on using it on my own terms. I don't want to have to get swallowed by a fish to figure out that God's plan is going to prevail no matter what tricks I think I have up my sleeve.


I'm realizing that although it was most definitely God who has given me the gift of loving the people of Portugal, everything I've been doing--or trying to do--has been of my own ambition. I have created nice, neat one, two and five-year plans. I claim to be willing to be okay with "however God moves" but in my heart and mind, I've already decided the basic framework of  how and when I will serve while only saving the "nitty gritties" for God.

So today, God clearly said, No.
I don't know if this means I will never go to Portugal and live as I imagine and long to but rather learn how to better serve and love them from here. Just typing that out has me struggling to see my screen through the tears.

It's terrifying.

If I'm not leaving for Portugal in the next few years, then what am I doing!?
Why am I working at a job that has nothing to do with my major if not to pay off my loans and leave?
And WHAT do I do with the daily ache to live and serve and be in Portugal?

I. Don't. Know.

But if I'm honest, I do know that all of those questions can be summed up with one confession.

God, I'm terrified of what You will say when I lay down my plans and ideas and say yes to You.


But following God is not about the easiest, safest choice. It's about saying YES to Him.

So here's to a month of reading, listening and surrendering to the One whose plans never fail.

a thousand words:part two.

I am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land.

whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah. 

investment.

I've been thinking about stuff lately.
I don't mean that ambiguously, I mean I've been thinking about literal stuff. Specifically MY stuff.

I've been getting in these moods lately where I walk into my closet (if you've ever seen my closet, you know I mean literally walk in, maybe even lay out and take a nap) and start yanking clothes off hangers and putting them in hand-me-down and Goodwill piles. These often seem to come after instances like these...

About a month ago a good friend of mine moved from California to Mississippi. Let me clarify, about a month ago a good friend of mine DROVE from California to Mississippi. I had a chance to hang out with her a few days before she left and something she told me has been floating in my mind ever since.

"I'm driving around with my whole life in my car. My whole life fits in my car."

Or something along those lines. I guess I shouldn't put quotations around an approximation...oh well. The point is, I can't say that. I am no where near being able to say that.

And this morning I drove by a man on his bicycle towing a trailer carrying a cardboard box and a couple of black garbage bags and thought to myself, "That's his whole life, going with him wherever he goes."


Also, I discovered this blog today which reminded me of this book, both fueling the desire to get rid of my stuff.


I think part of my angst comes from the thought of moving home to Portugal in the near-ish future. I know near-ish is more like a few years, but college was a "few" years and that flew by.

When I think about moving back, I think about what I'd take with me. The last time I lived there I packed everything into two suitcases. That was for ten months. (I took a backpack and carry-on when I visited for a month) This next move will be for at least three years. Would it be possible to pack my whole life into two suitcases again? It's not like Portugal doesn't have HUGE malls, grocery stores, feiras (markets), etc. where I can buy lots more things. Will I leave things here in my room? Will I ever be moving back here to Chickadee Lane once I leave?

These questions are somewhat frequent, but the question that most often comes to mind is much more difficult to wrestle with.

"How much of myself do I invest here? Now?"
How much time? Should I start working with this ministry if I already know I'm not in it for the long haul?
 How much money? Should I save  up for a more reliable car?
How much of my heart? What happens if I meet someone (you know, that kind of someone)? Should I forget about them if they don't want to move to Portugal too? (Should I even really be worrying about this one at all? Answer to that one: No.)
How much of my interest? Can I love this time and place wholly and fully without losing the love of Portugal? How do I do that?

I have answers to some of those subquestions, most of them I don't. I've been listening to lots of Mumford lately, and this is the thought I'm left with (and the thought I'll leave you with):

"where you invest your love, you invest your life."

q & a.

Anyone who has known me for a while, will tell you...I'm a worrier.
I used to have this joke(?) that one of my best talents was worrying. Sadly,  it's kind of true. I'm really good at finding something to worry about.

But you know what is also true? God knows that I'm a worrier. He knows I am a planner. He knows what I need to hear, when I need to hear it.

This idea, that God knows me and knows what I need is where the title of this blog comes from:

Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life? If then you are not able to do so small a thing as that, why do you worry about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not clothed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will He clothe you--you of little  faith!
- Luke 12:24-28

Well, I just wanted to share some of the times that God has silenced my worry with His faithfulness. Even when I forget and get caught up in worry again, He patiently, lovingly reminds me of how He loves in His still small voice...

God, I graduated from high school, what am I supposed to do??

come to Portugal, meet these people, open your mind to a new way of life.

God, I am back in California, I'd rather be in Portugal. What am I supposed to do??

come to Fresno Pacific, meet these people,  open your mind to a new way of life. 

God, I have to pick a major. What am I supposed to do??

come to MBMSI, meet these people, open your mind to a new way of life. (it's okay that people don't think it's a practical major)

God, I am Biblical Studies major, I don't want to be a pastor. Do I have to go to seminary? . What am I supposed to do??

visit some seminaries, meet these people, open your mind to a new way of life. (it's okay not to go to seminary)

God, I still think about Portugal a lot. I need closure. What am I supposed to do??

come to portugal with this ticket that you can afford, reconnect with these people, open your mind to a new way of life. (you'll be coming back)

God, I know You're continually keeping Portugal on my heart for a reason but I have all of this student loan debt. What am I supposed to do??take this full time job.* and this check for half of your loans. learn skills to be used in the role I'm preparing you for in Portugal. 

*By the way...this is a really awesome story that is best, in my opinion, told in person. You should ask me about it sometime.

Sometimes it's difficult to hear the whisper of His voice among the noise of world and the voices of others. A whispered voice is best heard when you're close, When you're intimate.

Let's take some time to draw near to God this week. Just see what happens. :)