surrender.

Ever had one of those days when the strings of conviction are tugging so intently on your heart you have no choice but dropping everything and saying,

"Yes, God."

Today was that day for me.

It started this morning.
Christian was going through the promise of Jesus, explaining that He was God's intention from the beginning. God didn't choose to send Jesus after His other "attempts" to cultivate a relationship with us were "thwarted". Jesus was not the back up plan. God doesn't have those. His plans are the ones that prevail. Christian challenged us to examine ourselves, to take an honest look at what plans we are pursing--Plans B, C, D or Plan A?

As I drove home, I heard God whispering,
"Which plan are you seeking? Whose is it?"


tug, tug. 

Then tonight, I went to hear my dear friend Alyssa share about selfless service. She talked about how sometimes the best way to serve selflessly is to take a step back rather than insisting to meet every need we see. That we don't pick and choose who and when to serve, but gladly serve whoever, whenever and wherever. And that even when it doesn't make sense, we must surrender our plans to Him.

As I listened to Lys speak of how God is moving and working in her life as she surrenders her life to Him, I heard that familiar whisper again,
"Do you trust me?"


Tug, Tug.

On the car ride home, I heard TobyMac's song Me Without You. It's pretty catchy, despite being quite far from the type of music I typically listen to, but the lyrics really pulled on my heart, the final pull that brought down the wall I've built around my plans, my heart.

I'd be packing my bags when I need to stay - because I'd really like to move to Portugal NOW.
I'd be chasing every breeze that blows my way -because I'm so eager to find a way to get there.
I'd be building my kingdom just to watch it fade away - and I wonder why all my plans fail.


TUG, TUG.

I think God's leading me to read through the book of Jonah this month. I feel a bit like Jonah. God's given me a a gift, the heart for a country, but I'm insisting on using it on my own terms. I don't want to have to get swallowed by a fish to figure out that God's plan is going to prevail no matter what tricks I think I have up my sleeve.


I'm realizing that although it was most definitely God who has given me the gift of loving the people of Portugal, everything I've been doing--or trying to do--has been of my own ambition. I have created nice, neat one, two and five-year plans. I claim to be willing to be okay with "however God moves" but in my heart and mind, I've already decided the basic framework of  how and when I will serve while only saving the "nitty gritties" for God.

So today, God clearly said, No.
I don't know if this means I will never go to Portugal and live as I imagine and long to but rather learn how to better serve and love them from here. Just typing that out has me struggling to see my screen through the tears.

It's terrifying.

If I'm not leaving for Portugal in the next few years, then what am I doing!?
Why am I working at a job that has nothing to do with my major if not to pay off my loans and leave?
And WHAT do I do with the daily ache to live and serve and be in Portugal?

I. Don't. Know.

But if I'm honest, I do know that all of those questions can be summed up with one confession.

God, I'm terrified of what You will say when I lay down my plans and ideas and say yes to You.


But following God is not about the easiest, safest choice. It's about saying YES to Him.

So here's to a month of reading, listening and surrendering to the One whose plans never fail.

sempre em frente.

I was inspired today.

This afternoon I had a chance to share tea and conversation with my dear friend Alyssa. I feel we've been so blessed to share similar "heart-stirrings" for people and places that are so far from  those that we grew up calling "home"--Espaço in Massamá for me and The Imara Health Clinic in Kenya for her. After five years of living in different cities/states/countries, it has been/is truly a blessing to have such a genuine friendship.

As we spent the afternoon catching up, sharing both joys and challenges we've encountered, I realized something really important...


It may not be easy to carry out the call that God's put on our lives, in fact it has potential to be downright difficult. I know I may come across seemingly impossible obstacles and will not get to take the "easy way out". I am not under the impression that the grass in Portugal will be greener and life will be without oppression or hardship, I know life there will come with its own challenges.

But, regardless of what obstacles I'm facing now or which ones are still yet to come, I'm called to love God and love others and for me,  the Portuguese are a specific people God's placed on my heart to love.

I don't know why and I can't explain it, all I know is that after five years of daily thinking and praying for them and almost weekly weeping in homesickness, I can't deny that God's going to bring me back there. And because of that, I should not, could not, would not give up pursuing God's plans. (Sorry for the Dr.Suess-esque phrasing)

When you're giving or getting directions in Portugese, you say, "sempre em frente" to communicate that one should go straight. If you break apart this phrase it reads, "always in front". I love this. In order to stay straight on the path God's calling us to, we have to keep Him in front of us always---our number one priority.

So I head to bed in peace tonight as I cling to the hope that although I face obstacles, He has overcome!

on the willows.

By the rivers of Babylon—
   there we sat down and there we wept
   when we remembered Zion.
On the willows there
   we hung up our harps.
For there our captors
   asked us for songs,
and our tormentors asked for mirth, saying,
   ‘Sing us one of the songs of Zion!’ 

How could we sing the Lord’s song
   in a foreign land? 

--Psalm 137:1-4

So FPU Theater's Spring Mainstage this year is Godspell and I highly recommend going to see it if you are in Fresno and haven't yet.  The cast (which includes two of my close friends) is crazy talented and it's really a fun/exciting/emotional/thought-provoking show. Seriously go.
Okay, I'm done plugging.

Sort of.

I went on opening and again this afternoon with my momma. Both performances were excellent and both times I was in tears at one of the final scenes and songs, "On The Willows."(Note: The link is the Broadway cast. You really need to hear the FPU cast sing it. Do it.)

SPOILER ALERT. (you've been warned)

In the scene, Jesus is saying goodbye to each of the disciples before he is betrayed by Judas and crucified. Each disciple has their own unique relationship with Jesus and that is reflected in their goodbyes. I think it's seeing the personal, intimate interactions that brings the tears for me. 

I also know that the lyrics of the song really laid heavy on my heart during and after the show. Nerd me knows that they are from Psalm 137 (thanks BLIT 321). The psalmist wrote these verses in reference to the Jews' time of being held captive, a time when they were abused and insulted, far from the Temple and  everything they knew.  I don't want to suggest that I have experienced anything so intense. But I hope it's not offensive to suggest that in a very small way I can imagine the hopelessness, the disheartenment, the pain that comes when we lose sight of God in our situation. How could we possibly sing the songs that we sing out of the overflow of joyful worship from our hearts when we're in a place, literally or figuratively, that is so cruel and foreign?

Sometimes it seems impossible to praise God in the midst of our situation, when we really feel how far away we are from Him here in this broken and foreign world. But we were never promised it would be an easy, or even enjoyable journey with Christ. In fact, if we're really living the way we're called to, it's quite costly. We're called to  deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow Him. I am pretty sure following Him is not limited to the glamorous, exciting, and safe places.

Scary? Try, terrifying.
Difficult? Extremely.
Necessary? Absolutely.

Like Paul says, "Not thatI have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own."  (Philippians 3:12). But as important as it is to remember this is what we're called to do, we should also remember:

we're in this together.